where black is the color and none is the number

7:01 p.m. x 2002-10-28

i promised some "bell jar" rants.

*ugh*...i'm so tired...nobody'd let me on the internet and it made me MAD because i had nothing better to do...i covered three more chapters of *prozac nation* though, so i suppose that's a good thing, so says martha.

i hate being lonely, and i can't help feeling lonely. i hate it because i am not alone, but...

no matter how many people really matter

when the one who matters the most isn't there

everything else is just a little fuzzier

and you feel lonelier than you really are

i hate being jealous and i hate not being in control of my feelings. i hate the way i feel - hate hate hate it - it has to go away right now!!! this horrible sweet little ache needs to sod off into the sad corner and die.

i feel exactly how i look: the big dark blotch among the pastel dots. ugly and obvious and running everywhere and nobody wants to touch it for fear of absorbing some of it.

i feel annoying and ignored and helpless and scared and "SELFISH" (sara) and i just...don't want to be me right now. or i wish me was in another situation all together.

why have i been able to see what will happen lately? only vague things, at a certain time during the day, i know what will happen. just odd little movements someone makes, or a sentence or something someone says. it scares me. it's nothing new but why then? why now, in particular?

don't you hate it

when your special person

isn't there to talk to

but the other person is

and despite the fact that all you do

is wait for the special person

the other person doesn't go away

they actually enjoy being there

while the special person's busy

yeah well...

...when the fuck am i gonna be the special person to someone...

*fuck fuck fuck*

i feel sick and mad and i want to break something or hurt someone really bad. i want someone to provoke me enough in class so that i can just crawl over and rip their eyes out and sit back down and ball. some release...everything's pent up and i hate that. i feel ugly and bad and it's keeping me from feeling okay in general.

i feel like i'm on a drug. maybe a drug's crept into my system and i haven't noticed.

i wouldn't be surprised.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11