7:01 p.m. x 2002-10-28
i promised some "bell jar" rants.
*ugh*...i'm so tired...nobody'd let me on the internet and it made me MAD because i had nothing better to do...i covered three more chapters of *prozac nation* though, so i suppose that's a good thing, so says martha.
i hate being lonely, and i can't help feeling lonely. i hate it because i am not alone, but...
no matter how many people really matter
when the one who matters the most isn't there
everything else is just a little fuzzier
and you feel lonelier than you really are
i hate being jealous and i hate not being in control of my feelings. i hate the way i feel - hate hate hate it - it has to go away right now!!! this horrible sweet little ache needs to sod off into the sad corner and die.
i feel exactly how i look: the big dark blotch among the pastel dots. ugly and obvious and running everywhere and nobody wants to touch it for fear of absorbing some of it.
i feel annoying and ignored and helpless and scared and "SELFISH" (sara) and i just...don't want to be me right now. or i wish me was in another situation all together.
why have i been able to see what will happen lately? only vague things, at a certain time during the day, i know what will happen. just odd little movements someone makes, or a sentence or something someone says. it scares me. it's nothing new but why then? why now, in particular?
don't you hate it
when your special person
isn't there to talk to
but the other person is
and despite the fact that all you do
is wait for the special person
the other person doesn't go away
they actually enjoy being there
while the special person's busy
...when the fuck am i gonna be the special person to someone...
*fuck fuck fuck*
i feel sick and mad and i want to break something or hurt someone really bad. i want someone to provoke me enough in class so that i can just crawl over and rip their eyes out and sit back down and ball. some release...everything's pent up and i hate that. i feel ugly and bad and it's keeping me from feeling okay in general.
i feel like i'm on a drug. maybe a drug's crept into my system and i haven't noticed.
i wouldn't be surprised.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start