5:43 p.m. x 2002-10-30

i haven't said a word since i came home. lately instead of crying or getting pissed off or worked up in any way i'll just stare straight ahead and not blink or move or anything, and it's getting harder and harder to not get out of breath doing normal things, like talking or walking, and i've also been losing my voice. there's something else too...not loneliness, as i know what that is already yeah, no...this is more a feeling of being around a lot of people. some i like and some i don't at all. being around all these people and being ignored. that's how i feel. like if i walked out of the crowded little room no one would notice. let's see...what's bothering me...well for one, i feel like i'm offending amanda all the time. she can't always say exactly how she feels about stuff, especially when it's me doing the stuff because of what i've done to her in the past...and i'm not on the same level of compassion for her. i've stopped feeling sorry for certain things a long time ago. i don't carry grudges - my warmth just numbs. another thing, my messianic complex/savior-obsession has met it's match and it's warped my sense of usefullness entirely. i just can't make jaypea happy. i feel like anything else can but me and i really really want to. i'd sooner kill myself than hurt him in any way. but i am not the magical instant-remedy here, and yes, that is the role i'm most comfortable in. and yes, i know i'm fucked up.

i'm too pessimistic to write in here right now...go download *llorando* and feel like i do...

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)