nothing really bothers her - she just wants to love herself

5:44 p.m. x 2002-11-15

song of the day: *llorando* by rebekah del rio

you really should go listen to that song. it's an acapella, operatic version of roy orbison's *crying* from the *mulholland drive* soundtrack, and it's really really pretty and really really sad...

i feel miserable and sick. i have school tomorrow, and there's no jason to support me in french and english. tweak better be there or i'll crack. i'm so sick it's not even funny. i know this is a diary, hence i'm supposed to be as naked and revealing as possible, but whoever you are you seriously don't want to know the detailes -_-.

i haven't had a regular period in several years due to stress and general sickness, "i'm-more-than-likely" anemic, my heart rate is too fucking high to even breathe, and my chest is so tight i'd fucking scream if i could even do that...but i can't.

not at the moment anyway - i just sicked in the bathroom -_-. *ugh*

i bet my uterus is dying. i bet it's bleeding itself to death and my body's retaining all the blood - and someday i'll get pregnant and the baby will either be a) stillborn, b) self-aborted, or c) born in a complete, gieser-esque sequence of blood and guts and drown in all the fucking red that's choking all my bodily functions as we speak.

watch - that'd be perfect karmic revenge for everything i've ever fucked up. all i want out of life - more than a singing/writing career, way more than money, way way more than fame - i want a baby boy. i want a son more than i want a husband or an excessively happy life. i just want a little boy. i don't know why - i hate my little brother and most little boys i've ever met. i think it's the idea of a little boy that i want. oh whatever - i'm beyond it now.

MAD WORLD
gary jules

all around me are familiar faces
worn out places worn out faces
bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere going nowhere
and their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression, no expression
hide my head i want to drown my sorrow
no tommorow no tommorow
and i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very very
mad world
children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday happy birthday
made to feel the way that every child should
sit and listen sit and listen
went to school and i was very nervous
no one knew me no one knew me
hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me look right through me
and i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very very
mad world

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11