6:50 p.m. x 2002-11-25
song of the day: *die another day* by madonna
i'm motherfucking miserable.
as i write this i'm talking to rachee, though that is not the depressing part. or well - it's not helping but it isn't meant to. she's warbling about her dearest deepest love [name witheld - haha...like it needs witholding] and i am in all seriousness on the verge of sad and drastic measures...
...except those. you know what i'm talking about. i'm not the "suicidal friend".
sometimes though i wish i was. i wish i was comforted and cradled and told that everything will turn out right. i wish i was told that instead of saying it so much to others and have everything turn out bad for me.
is that selfish? okay then, i'm a fucking selfish bitch just like sara said.
i have feelings i don't want to have and i wish i never thought about the possibility of having them. i have a friend that i love having but i wish i didn't love him. i really really wish i could just see the great thing i have and be happy instead of crying and dispairing over that which is not mine.
something is so fucking wrong with me, something about me isn't right. i an really really starting to hate things about me i once either ignored or valued. i'm off in the opposite direction from all of my friends.
being in love makes them happy, being in love makes me sad, they're all bi, i'm straight, they get crushes, i don't, they date, i don't, guys like them, guys react to me the same way they react to jaypea (but there's an excuse in there, dumb and ignorant as it is, but even then there's none for me), they have sex, i don't/can't...i'm fucked up.
do you know what made me cry the other day? "will and grace" and "friends", kay. the HAPPY episodes. they made me feel fucked up. beyond fucked. what comes after fucked?
i'll have to make something up. when i do i'll squeeze it in here.aids, songs, and funerals
rachel: i mean if got them from him...they're his aids you know...YAY!
rachel: ha, that's sort of pathic but oh well, and if i did have aids, fuck the pills. let me die young & leave a good lookin corpse
k@ri: T__T i'll say a nice speech at your funeral
rachel: you know i'd be a waste of a life i guess... but i don't want to see him getting lowered into the ground...awe yay!!! you have to sing too
k@ri: T__T AAAAAAAWE
rachel: save this convo as proof: SEE THIS PEOPLE... i did ask k@ri to sing when i die...so FUCK YOU GUYS!!! and give me a cookie
k@ri: you aren't a waste - i'd sing...either "llorando" or "mad world"...something to get the tears going...
rachel: you have to sing the two songs you wrote about him
k@ri: of course ^-^
rachel: yea somthing YOU WROTE so its special
that made me start to cry T__T so i'm gonna go cry now...
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start