love and suicide are NOT synonyms

5:39 p.m. x 2002-12-10

i'd shoot myself to love you
- marilyn manson, fundamentally loathsome

i thought i'd share with you a few deep thought. not jack handy-esque deep thoughts however, a myssi-esque deep thought of the un-retarded variety:

love and suicide are not synonyms.

i suppose that before i venture any further into my chosen topic that i should just say, i'm not out to piss anyone off. i'm merely stating my opinion. and guess what? this is my diary, it's what i'm going to do.

anyhoo, okay. there's nothing romantic about death. i know the biggest necrophiliac of all is the media, which we're all supposed to be slaves to, but there's nothing emotionally arousing about you as mortician's delight. it might arouse feelings of nausea, saddness, sickness, and guilt, but it is not in the same "genre" of emotions as love. there's nothing lovely about you dead, especially when it's your own goddamned fault. the one great thing i walked away from my ex-boyfriend and my relationship was his theory of existence:

there's no heaven and there's no hell, rather, there are a lot of doors and hallways.
there are all these thousands of vertical hallways with doors leading down them, but never doors interconnecting them.
or maybe one every 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles or something.
you're lucky if you wind up in the same hallway near the same door with the same people, but if you think you and your loved one will be "together in death", that's like you both leaving the room and exiting into different hallways.
it doesn't make any sense and it doesn't work.

so why the big crackdown on love/suicide? well...rachel mostly. i love rachel to (reeses) pieces, and that's why i DON'T want her to have liver failure and i DON'T want her to drown in her own lung fluid and i DON'T want her to wind up with AIDS or other assorted STDs. you are NOT being 100% safe if you're smoking, drinking, and having sex unprotected or otherwise, but you're also not being 100% safe by going outside in the morning @_@ so it's not as though i go "i'll never speak to you again if you blah blah blah", it's your life. but i'd be very, deeply hurt and upset if i woke up one morning to discover that your life was no more.

*headache* - i really want away from this place. i away from of colloquialisms, away from barns, away from corn fields, away from empty grocery stores, away from teen moms and mountain men, away from rednecks, away from hicks, away from everything the same, away from everything in that ugly rust color, AWAY FROM THE AMISH, CHRIST!...a-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay from here. i love my friends, but that doesn't stop me from needing and wanting to be around people more on my level. i'm not a redneck and if you try and make me think i'm one, fuck off. *uuuuuugh* - i've got a lot of aggression today. myssi says it's time for a little *my ruin* whilst she tweaks her grad project.

merrr.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11