a pretty permanant end to a pretty temporary problem

6:30 p.m. x 2002-12-16

"you know what i think? i think that we're all in our private traps, clamped in them...and none of us can ever get out. we scratch and...and claw, but only at the air - only at each other. and for all of it...we never budge an inch." - anthony perkins as norman bates, psycho

i just finished having a nervous breakdown to my mother, and then continued it onto my aunt via the phone...i just feel like shit. and confused, very very confused. i really feel like i'm going insane or i'm being overwhelmed by something that was so easy a second ago. last year it was so easy to be peoples' friend and to do homework and take tests and be happy. now it's draining to smile and to be happy everyday, and to do work that seems so easy. like one of those stupid puzzles in geometry where there's always some fucking hidden trick or trap and it looks so simple then you can't do it at all, only the sad dork in the back with nothing better to do or to care about.

i feel like not being here and going away...i want to go someplace ("they always call it 'someplace' don't they?") and just...rest and talk and figure out what the hell i'm doing wrong and why i can't do what used to be so easy...and the little thing that makes me happy just won't happen. and i don't want it. and i want that feeling to stop so bad it hurts, like i have to sit and breathe and repress it. repress the one source of happiness coming from anywhere but my stupid fucking optimism. and then you smile...and i just let it swallow me. and i get another D+.

i love brittany. i love rachel. i love amanda. i love sara. i love tweak. i love jason (or lack thereof). i love jaypea...that's why i wouldn't go away...ultimately. if only for those reasons, that it wouldn't be right to them, would i not. and then i think, do they think that about me? no. maybe amanda. i think, amanda...yeah. somehow i don't think jaypea would though, just because...on a scale of intensity, his problems outweigh happiness. and it just kills me that i can't make him happy. more than failing, more than dying, it floors me.

he deserves to be happy, more than...christ, anything i can think of. he doesn't need what he's had, and i'd never do to him what other people have, and i'd do everything in my power to protect him from hurting like that again. to go through what i read about in the journal he gave me on the first friday of the schoolyear...i'd never let that happen again.

and it kills me because...i'm not that person that you want to protect you...and i know i'm not without anything having to be said, i'm not anybody's "person"...

there's nobody home now, and there are four names up on my buddylist. one is rachel and she's signing off, the two are jaypea and mandy and they have their away messages up, and the last person is me.

i'd cry to me but i don't understand my problem.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11