3:00 p.m. x 2002-12-17
today there was no song stuck in my head, no music playing to compliment the day. my day went alright as days go, nothing really noteworthy, but something happened at the end to really put me in a bad place. i told you that would make me uncomfortable...you even asked...and you didn't listen...after everything i put up with, too...
i'm allowed to make a big deal about it, if only to myself. i have therapy today...i'm going to go to her office and cry. just sit and cry for a few minutes and get it off my chest. see if she knows what's bothering me.
this is the first time since 4th grade i've wanted to die - not like feeling suicidal just feeling like "please end, please all the shit stop". there are things i feel that i wish i didn't. i wish i could take that part of my heart and slice it out, and bury it in the middle of a construction sight so that i'll never have to deal with the preoccupation or the pressure or the masochism or the overwhelming numbness ever again...
...and the worst part is that this is really the last emotion you'd want to numb yourself of. it's the one you need. "all you need", so say john & paul...
fuck. fuck. fuck.
ashes to ashes dust to dust
my hate for you defines my lust
bridges to bridges you're nothing to me
welcome world - miss ann thropei'm going to go scream until my throat caves in. buh-bye.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)