10:19 p.m. x 2002-12-21
everybody gets their turn. even once. for everyone there's a waiting and then you can have your turn. and even when that's over you have that forever. you never really lose your turn once you've had it. and now - now you've had your turn. i hear about it all the time. i know the detailes of it by heart. and now - now it's my turn. now i'm taking a turn and you can't take it with me. i don't give a fuck if it's selfish or if it's messed-up - THAT'S WHAT A FUCKING TURN IS - IT IS SELFISH AND MESSED-UP...when it's not then it's not your unique experience and it's not your turn. and right now it's MY turn and i have to just ride it out until it ends. you fucking people rigged it so it'll go around and around in bumpy circles and it'll never end and it'll NEVER STOP HURTING and the person beside me will feel it to. somebody who didn't do ANYTHING will have to feel the reprocussions and that is the LAST thing i want.
i've never - passionately and without fear - wanted to die, and i've never wanted to feel that way. ever. and i never want to feel that way again. and i want people to just say "i'm sorry i hurt your feelings" and i want the friends that i love so goddamn much to start fucking ACTING LIKE FRIENDS.
there's a problem there, you know. when there comes a bad consequence to knowing you personally. i don't even know where or what this is from but jaypea's one little away message really sums up my whole problem...if i told you this was killing me would you stop...i like that. wish i'd thought of it.
appearantly though, you really like killing me.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start