bright and early for the daily races - going nowhere

8:35 p.m. x 2003-08-21

NEEDS TO BE SAID
no names mentioned therein

there are seven people right now i just want to hug and shower with kisses.

i offended one of them tonight. i'm sorry.

they mean more to me than anything right now. if i could i'd filter out all of the needless baggage (i.e. EVERYONE ELSE) and be happy all year that you, all specifically seven of you, make me feel - for the first time in a long time - not guilty. human. fun. alive.

i don't want that number to shrink again. i don't want to do that again. i don't want something bad to happen again. i want this year to be one big long dance down the hallway to "i'd like to buy the world a coke". and in the immortal words of...mary j. blidge - "NO MORE DRAMA". this will invariably require cutting some shit out. this will require doing what my therapist told me to do week in and week out that i should do, and it's what i'm starting to do.

i am slowly filtering out that in my life that is a problem. things, behaviors, activities, and people. i'll take back what makes me happy. i'll say something when something bothers me. i'm going to be a person this year.

I AM A PERSON.
NOT A DOORMAT
NOT A MECHANISM
YOU CAN'T USE ME
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME INTO A STAGE
YOU CAN'T ENACT YOUR DRAMAS ON ME
AND NOT GIVE A SHIT
NOT EVER EVEN THINK TO LISTEN
WHEN I HAVE A PROBLEM!
I AM A PERSON! I HAVE PROBLEMS!

no - wait, i don't have problems. no, i'm always happy, always ready to lend an ear to a never ending flood of whateveryouhavetosay, never making a judgement. never saying a word. i'm the freak. i'm the weirdo. i'm always the pariah you don't want to admit to hanging out with. i'm the one priviledged to be there, that you stitch yourself to in times of need and throw out when i'm used up.

you cannot use me up.

i've stood for eight years of being the hated one, the weird one, the ugly one, the scary one...people genuinely hate me. hate hate hate me. and for too long i've been happy for the people who pretend to like me. i've hung onto every last person who showed some spark of affection for me who NEVER ACCEPTED ME FOR MYSELF...and i'm thinking maybe now i've arrived at a place where that's no longer necessary.

to the person i mentioned above who i offended - i'm sorry again. this is why i felt like i did about that person...things. have. been. tough. but soon they will get better. i still honestly believe that they will, even though this is the worst it's ever been - it seemed that way in fourth grade, and things have gotten better, even now that i feel like this. "things" managed to get really good, go bad, improve, go to hell, be alright, get bad, and then turn a whole new, much better shade of outstanding. thanks to those seven who should really know who they are.

i think you'd know if your mere existence made someone outstandingly happy. or at least i'd hope you would - as my existence has only made others outstandingly suicidal. maybe that'll change this year.

i hope so <333 ^-^.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11