1:31 p.m. x 2003-08-26
OH MY GOD
...it's absurd. rowafterrowafterrow
of them! MILLIONS OF THEM! all alike - stupidandweak-stupidandweak-stupidandweak and i'm not talking highschool students. i'm being very specific. there's a group of them that are practically a virus swarming about - as i believe dami
had said, what is the point of a virus? people created it to fuck things up. these people are there to fuck things up.
i will be socialvirus-free this year even if it drives me insane, which it has already began to. it must be sad to be looked at as toxic. bad. not worth a doormat's time. but it was all your own doing.
anyhoo, i had a class with catie today ^-^ we have last block together every other day, and (thank god - this is really some kind of miracle, and i'm not being ironic in any sense) lunch with clare and tweak. every day. that is SO great - and i get to see josh, too. and i saw tiffany today - she didn't forget about me ^-^ and we embraced lovingly in the hallway. it was really great to see her. school has been so weird, even though it's only the second day (jaypea's first at his new school - he needs to begin writing again so i can see how he is doing!), but already everything is coming back. smile and happy and turn the corner and there's a reason to look down and duck into another room.
but you know there are *SEVEN REASONS*, seven of the most wonderful and beautiful reasons EVER, to keep going. i think i may have to add soon. soon there may be more. but i'm really sick of there being less. one good reason, one greater reason that has stuck it out beyond all other reason, is still very very important. but that's just one. whatever is not a reason to stay is a reason to go. and i won't elaborate on this.
just that i am in a very very very very very bad place. staying afloat and managing and composing myself perfectly. way too perfectly for the volume of a problem that i possess, but obviously - i'm still doing it. and i still have good days. i still have my sense of humor. but i'm stuck way to far back where i am, and i'm still working on clammoring back up. i thought, last night, about writing letters to everyone i've hurt recently. but i stopped before i started because i didn't think anyone wants a letter from me, even if they like me now.
yes, i'm looking into therapy again.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start