the happiness that attends disaster

3:20 p.m. x 2003-09-07

warning: random fragmented thoughts ahead.

i wish i knew what was wrong. i know why i feel how i feel...but i don't know why it's as bad as it is. i don't know why it's ingrained in my character. i don't know why it's changed the way i deal with people (i don't know if they know it, either). i want to know sometimes. sometimes i don't, and i'd rather it go away without having to worry about it.

i've scared myself lately and it won't stop. and i know what to do to stop it and i don't want to do that and i'm scared to just put those feelings away again because i'm scared of how they'll come out and everything will be RUINED.

i wish i didn't have a crush on someone. quite frankly - i'm afraid of what i'll do to this person trying to avoid showing affection towards them. the frustration will inevitably come out sideways and i'll randomly act like a huge bitch to the lad, but if i start supressing that, i'll just turn into a bitch around everyone. i don't really want to do that, so i think he should just go the fuck away.

i hate this entry and i hope you ignore it.

i wonder if people really do mean what they say sometimes about me being the person they'd rather not admit to knowing. either i'm a complete loser if that is true or an oversensitive freak if they were joking. either way it's a fucking insult and nobody seems to understand i have just wanted someone to like me for nine miserable years. and i have been the complete fucking doormat and gotten myself into horrible situations and now have no certain amount of problems AND I HATE MY LIFE.

i do not hate my life. i hate one aspect of it, which is the way i handle others. i'm not really upset...i'm not exactly anything, nor have i been for quite a while. i think it would feel good to cry but it just isn't working right now...speaking of crying...

LLORANDO
rebekah del rio

yo estaba bien
por un tiempo
volviendo a sonreir
luego anoche te vi
tu mano me toco
y el saludo de tu voz
y hable muy bien de ti y tu
sin saber que he estado
llorando por tu amor
llorando por tu amor
llorando por tu amor
luego de tu adios
senti todo mi dolor
sola y llorando
llorando, llorando, llorando
no es facil de entender que al verte otra vez
yo siguere llorando
yo que pense que te olvide
pero es verdad es la verdad
que te quiero aun mas
mucho mas que ayer
dime tu que puedo hacer
no me quieres ya
y siempre estare
llorando por tu amor
llorando por tu amor
tu amor
se llevo
todo mi corazon
y quedo llorando
llorando, llorando, llorando, llorando
llorando, por tu amor

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11