and into the grave pretty polly did go

1:33 p.m. x 2003-09-08

and as things fell apart
nobody paid much attention

- the talking heads

today was a complete waste of day. i spent the entire time getting myself upset over what i knew were really stupid things, like someone not wanting to sit with me or someone saying "i don't know" a little too brashly to a question. i nearly cried on the bus but managed to keep it in pretty well - there are these three adorable little catholic school girls on our bus and whenever i try smiling at them, they get scared. i should really just stop trying because it hurts my feelings to a rediculously stupid degree @_@. i freaked a little during art class, which was very weird. nobody saw, because everyone had their back turned to me, and then i felt a turn of guilt once everyone was sitting back at the table and just barely kept back hysterics, and all was conducted quite well.

i DID have a reason to be upset today though, you know..."sex & the city" won't resume until january...

i don't know what it is though, really...i have two theories i'm debating: either there is something horridly wrong with me and everyone assumes i must know about it, so they don't say anything about it - OR they assume everything is alright and it's perfectly normal to act how i act. hmm...this of course raises a number of questions about my friends' sanity, which is too much of a task to get into at the moment, so for now we'll assume the former. *meh* - i detest depression. yes, i finally admit it, but not without rolling my eyes - i'm pretty damn depressed.

oh well. i'll just have to cheer the fuck up somehow. i'm not getting abandoned this weekend so i'm going to head to the bookstore and get a few literary companions, even though i'm rereading the end of alice and american psycho. both are beautiful & excellent and i recommend them highly (although you may not appreciate "psycho" the first time, this is full expected).

mer - i'm very sorry i didn't get the little ring buttons for BAM, KMS, and SS up very fast. as you can see - i haven't been in the most healthily industrious of moods lately.

mmm...today in the hallway i created a new activity for myself. this activity is severely limited, though, as it requires someone with the potential to be attractive. i plucked a random lad out of the traffic and, as i sat in math with his image fresh in my mind, remodeled him into something that made my heart spasm. if the singing/directing/psychology things all fall out, i believe i can count on a career as a stylist. somewhat.

i don't care how adolescent it sounds - OH how i would love a boyfriend right now. i find it a bit infuriating that i'll have to wait another two years for this possibility to even be...possible, as i don't particularly want to do the *serious* thing with anyone in this area. they've all been severely poked by the ugly red-hot-poker one too many times. or they're hopelessly - almost satirically (which makes me wonder) - gay (a surprising lot for a rural "village"). kinda CREEPY.

hmm, i've rambled far too long now. i'm going to go bang my head into the wall repeatedly, which i've now convinced myself MAY be the way to relieve this rediculously horrible headache...<3.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11