and though i have waited long it may have all been wrong i find out in the end with him i need not pretend

10:56 a.m. x 2003-09-13

well i cannot say my immense anxiety around football games is cured, but i will let you know this: an amazing thing happened. you don't need to know specifically what, but if an amazing thing for you would be to win the US open, then i won the US open. if an amazing thing for you woud be to bang pam anderson, then i banged pam anderson. this specific thing was wonderful...and other than this i was hugged repeatedly by many of the world's most wonderful people (tweak, clare, josh, kara, catie - even shannon! <333). reguardless of whatever happened last night (as most of it has already shuffled into my unconciousness and randomly dealt out a few random flashes of the good parts), it was definitely one of the lovelier evenings i've ever had. even though i sustained a small wrist-injury at the subsequent concert.

random hits of the day: "jane's jack off story" and "lick a friend".

speaking of which: tweak, i'm sorry i left early. it wasn't the fact that the band was christian, i was just not in the greatest of emotional places and clare seemed to be crashing a bit herself, and leaving was the most curtious thing to do (not to mention the fact that my belongings were at chez clare). but everyone did have a most interesting time, and witnessed antisocial andy! he seems like a very nice lad, i'm glad he's tweak's friend ^-^. and - on a slightly off but still tweak-related note; i wasn't mad at you for sitting with sam the one day. i was just upset in general...things have been weird, but they are on the rise now!

oh yes...i remember something else about the other evening - bridget sang me a song! i was lost and a little upset and i waved and she ran over and asked if i was alright (as i missed the class we have together on thursday) and she did a dance and sang me a song ^-^. that was sweet. bridget's a sweet girl <3.

mmm, i can still feel a sense of warm nervous intensity all over me - unconsciouslly stressing "i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry" over and over again and NOT being met with screaming or a weird look or ANYTHING but an actual genuine sincere - figurative and literal - IT'S ALRIGHT. and it WAS! and i will do everything within the realm of my ability to KEEP IT ALRIGHT for as long as possible <3.

it's nice to know that now there's a good to outweigh the bad. ugh, that sounded so angsty...fuck it, I'M HAPPY!

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11