and you don't seem the lying kind, a shame that i can read your mind

3:55 p.m. x 2003-11-16

peace and safety are joint-efforts. to achieve a balance in a group situation everybody has to be willing to make it work. and when it works it works so great!!! and it's such a nice thing that you can't imagine why anybody would specifically FUCK IT UP. why would somebody want to FUCK UP something nice like that???

it must be something driven into the skulls of humanity - the constant need to be on edge and afraid for...what? i understand that feeling and that this situation is a little unfair but...UUGH, it's tearing up everything! and i don't mean to be selfish but i don't want to get caught up in some stupid civil war so i henceforth withdraw from the fight because i've lost track of everything.

and, yes (to bethany), i'm sorry i can't be clearer. this is a diary and a place to put whatever thougts and feelings i want, and i do that, but i can't do that and be explicitly clear. i can't put in here what i can barely admit to myself in the first place, and it takes a long time just for me to admit something is wrong.

but i HAVE gotten that far - something is very wrong. and i hope this is the last of these kind of entries i have to write for now because i'm not supposed to be the mopey one.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11