and they were all yellow

11:14 p.m. x 2003-11-19

IF YOU TAKE SOMEONE'S THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AWAY, BIT BY BIT, CONSISTENTLY, THEN THEY HAVE NOTHING LEFT, EXCEPT SOME GRITTY, GNAWING, SHITTY LITTLE INSTINCT, DOWN THERE, SOMEWHERE, WORMING ROUND THE GUT, BUT SO FAR DOWN, SO HIDDEN, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, A WORLDWIDE CONSPIRACY TO DENY THE EXISTENCE OF THE COLOR YELLOW. AND WHENEVER YOU SAW YELLOW, THEY TOLD YOU, NO, THAT ISN'T YELLOW, WHAT THE FUCK'S YELLOW? EVENTUALLY, WHENEVER YOU SAW YELLOW, YOU WOULD SAY: THAT ISN'T YELLOW, OF COURSE IT ISN'T, BLUE OR GREEN OR PURPLE, OR...YOU'D SAY IT, YES IT IS, IT'S YELLOW, AND BECOME INCREASINGLY HYSTERICAL, AND THEN GO QUITE BERSERK. - david edgar, mary barnes

there was this guy who went to my school. he was a senior when i was a freshman. he didn't know me very well. he sometimes waved at me and asked me why i looked sad. i'd say, everytime, i didn't know i was sad-looking. he started to persistantly annoy me and joked about me slitting my wrists. i remember thinking about how i'd never be gloomy or purposely drag others down. i'd never be like that. for the most part i coast through existence under the impression that i am a ball of sunshine capable of igniting a whole room with joy.

all the while disturbing myself increasingly in private. so much so that it's interfering now with important things. and still some stupid little voice upstairs still persists - "you aren't sad! this is a dark patch that will pass soon!", aren't those little voices supposed to be the psychotic evildoers driving one to insanity? instead of dryly, desperately trying to deny that one's driven past several roadsigns warning "TURN BACK! INSANITY AHEAD!", refusing to stop?!

i have a perfectly understandable fear of being descriminated against. i wouldn't want someone to think i'm handicapped or incapable of normal activities and basic human interaction. but - ARGH - i don't know. maybe there ARE some things i can't do.

but that doesn't make me a sick freak. i've known many individuals who have passed more, less, or as many roadsigns towards craziness as i have, and the majority of them have been wonderful people - with, yes, the occassional sick freak. so i suppose the goal in all of this shit is to handle it gracefully and calmly and not make a spectacle of myself.

it's hard, you know, because i'm terribly annoying, especially when i put people through mindless ranting such as this. <3

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11