ame ni utare nagara iroasenai atsui omoi

2:27 a.m. x 2004-08-26

nothing untangles the abstruse maze of emotions like 8+ hours with one of your favorite shows from childhood (childhood being less than five years ago, but childhood nonetheless). i'm now the insanely proud and preoccupied owner of gundam wing episodes 1-49 plus the endless waltz ova & movie. damn right i'm happy. i breezed through the first disc, visited kara, and then curled up after a bath to watch disc deux. my summer is ending on so many good notes it has me worried.

but not so worried as to take away from my enjoyment of it. i'm not a pessimist. AAAGH - i'm so excited!!! it creeped me out at first how immediately nostalgic i got, not as much for the series as for that time i was really into it, all the way back when cartoon network's awesome little block "toonami" actually aired decent shows. that was a remarkably, disgustingly bad time, but watching it again does bring about a lot of resolve.

i'm MUCH more adjusted and much more balanced and EONS happier than when i first watched it. i don't believe i'll cry every time it looks as if heero is going to attempt suicide. oh boy, that used to send me reeling.

i found my artwork from that little era, i think i may have mentioned that it was graphically off-putting - it's completely against the inborn taurean impulse to accept, much less enjoy, change, but i do. 3/4 times, which is awfully good.

because it isn't so much so that things are different, that that means devoid of something, that others should be able to see and appreciate the growth in people and the opportunities that arise from evolution and all that bullshit. i don't know where i got so look-on-the-bright-side. but really, how can one be down when there's kara and gundam wing?! THINK about it!

nice thing to come out of old drawings unearthed: i never DID have much in the way of perception as far as proportion goes. that just added to the frightening effect but i know, because, you know - i was the one drawing them...it wasn't intentional. and it still isn't and i still am having difficulties. i love love love drawing people. it's that niche that i've had, that i've been doing since it occured that it was a sure-fire way of some attention when i was little and then just serving to entertain and make myself feel accomplished later. it's gotten steadily more and more personal to the point of my not caring to parade my shit in public, but something still bothers me and that is how people show up in my drawings.

i have an extremely hard time drawing pictures of people in contact of any kind: conversation, embrace or what have you. and i'm really prone to inexplicable, unreadable expressions. that really sounds like something my therapist would love to know, but i think the solid fact of the matter would be that i'm in need of practice. i've written for the past two years or so and haven't really concentrated on art since i stopped reading manga (and may i interject - when i started watching vh1, i blame this really). i don't know. it's the element of narrative art that i really appreciate.

i never talk about art because i happen to hate hearing about it, so i'm going to stop that right now.

anyhow, i'm really chatty. i didn't speak much all day @_@ (as if this would count, i just really didn't express myself in any sense outside of talking to my mother and kara about "pulp fiction"-ary topics such as the validity of a foot massage as an erotic act). the most speaking i've done to anyone all summer has been to the individual who is away right now and has promised me we'll get together when he comes back!! which he ought to because he said exactly what i needed to hear and i said something realitively close to what he wanted to hear (@_@;;;) and a bond like that would just be nice...

friends are incredibly interesting.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11