frustration plantation

9:58 p.m. x 2004-10-15

my resources are being abused...i'm sick, exhausted and angry, i've NEVER been so frustrated in my life. AGH. i don't think anybody likes working really hard towards something and not have it pay off, so it's easily understandable, yes? on top of that, the intense feeling of isolation that visits every school year is looming hardcore, which it does whenever i have to exert myself scholastically and live up to these elusive capabilities...it isn't the tasks that are daunting, i don't care about school on an obscene level, but i do care about what i can do and do incredibly, jaw-droppingly good and those things, when they are comprimised or judged on what i feel are vulgar standards, i feel the depths of the amount of respect i've lost over the years in these people - the utter and complete failure of the public school system to stimulate my brain two inches towards provocation. THOUGHT. y'know. and people getting a glance at my work and my unmolested opinions and reasonings, they can recognize without much trouble that my class rank is misleading (get ready for this - in a class of 150 i'm, i believe, 127). whatever i am, it isn't dumb. i've been faced with grossly overwhelming difficulty when it comes to taking my skills and plugging them into school-appropriate-shaped coffins.

and i'm not talking about my english assignment (which i have to "radio edit"). that i think is funny and can appreciate why i have to revise because the teacher, for ONCE (and
"once" is not an exaggeration) the teacher understands despite it. but it made me think of it.

that and my mom saw a teacher of mine from last year (whom i really really despise) out somewhere and they were talking and my mom told her point-blank "it's a shame, kari's never had a good teacher". i love my mother.

stealthy karmic points for somebody today, too, who made a very un-them comment that brightened my day in a minor, perky way that i hope he recognizes as being a positive thing. and, oh man, there was a beastly rainbow around today in its entirety (i've never seen a whole one before). that was crazy.

crazy.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11