it's better off this way

7:27 p.m. x 2004-10-26

sick, angry kind of day that for the most part was really not bad as days go, one of the teachers i really liked cried and i found out that richard belzer has a cd. and i ate the doomed lunch with kara! because my testing overroad my lunch period. but at least that's past now.

otherwise, things are just milling around. bad, destructive rehashing, the kind of time you roll things and play the same scenes over and over in a worsening succession just to pick at the terrible parts. or the embarrassing parts, when somebody's agenda falls all over the floor in front of them and they kick it behind them like "oh, what?", they don't think you've caught what they're planning. and i'm not talking conspiracy, so much, like talking behind backs (though plenty of that goes on, always, all the time, with everyone, you & i, eyes rolling), but just the aspects you think are well-hidden and aren't. harsh judgementality. calculation. the shifting attitude from person to person, the chameleon thing, stuff that's scathing not so much as it is just vastly unflattering. and i've never disliked someone based exclusively on these things.

i thought, today, about why i feel so frazzled a lot of the time, and while some of it isn't fit for public consumption (you aren't missing anything there), a great deal of it comes from these elaborate webs of pot-kettle-black and being put in positions that essentially demand, very bluntly, of being a terrible person.

i can just hear someone else in particular going "that's no excuse for how you act". this is the same person who, despite my very frequently owning up to how i treat him/her and willingness to talk at length and openly about her/his unease about my behavior, DESPITE THIS! - this person, when he/she does something that is bad on any degree, she/he denies it and chalks it up to being a scapegoat. so what kind of personality is attractive to this? that's a whole other level of cold, mean generalization.

i mean - duh, i like(d?) him/her too. this is more, that is to say, i think some people aren't being as careful as they should be and when they end up very, very hurt, i'll sit with them, but i expect them to have acquiesced to every blow they took.

i think this reads like a mad entry, and it comes from a mad place, but i'd like to say (maybe futilely, now) that i'm not angry with anybody...flustered with, yeah. confused by, absolutely. but not mad. definitely not writing my sonnet about laura palmer for english class. noooooooooo.

promenade du feu avec moi.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11