was it me? was it you? questions in a world of blue

3:57 p.m. x 2005-01-05

1
hey hey hey, diary.

going to squawk at a professional in an hour but it JUST CAN'T WAIT.

it is sad that some priorities are so confused...and it makes people come off as tactless and dumb. i'm endlessly amazed at how i can continually make friends, FRIENDS being my highest priority, i think, i don't immediately think of much over that, i can continually make friends, though, that have zipzipzip interpersonal skills and are as interested in friendship as a priority as getting castrated.
no interpersonal skills is not to say quiet, retiring or just not good at getting the point across. i think two of the people i have known that i see as being very sincere are extremely those things. no interpersonal skills is not having a solitary clue how they extend beyond themselves, what certain actions and words could possibly mean or why it would ever matter. knowledge of "the group dynamic" is not who is getting or not getting along with whom and she thinks he's a slut (because...who doesn't? light humor) but lots of layers...and apparently a lot more hate than should be there...
you have a lot of reason to hate and to be scared. i alone could give you every reason in the world to bury yourself alive but you do not need to hate or be scared of these people because it is useless and it has nothing to do with them. if you have a problem with somebody the first thing you have to do is think about why it's a problem. you have to think it until it disintegrates because unless it's something major it's probably you being stupid. i'm doing this all the time.
so i was thinking about why do i have a problem with X? she said hello to me today and i waved and i thought...she does not know that i know that she did this, and that more than anything i thought, that's overwhelmingly petty and ridiculous. and then i didn't think about it until i realized...X has not been foisted from this social dynamic but has been tightly embraced and i think, yeah this is something that could make me really paranoid but it's also something i know is X...who is not advanced socially so to feel all right by having friends, and so it seems that Y,Z, and on up the alphabet are just "oh, all she did was ___". yeah she was just being this big (*waves hands a short ways above the ground*). maybe i am angry that i don't feel the kind of allegiance that i would like to feel, that i feel that i am in with the people that i care about and deeply regard as being worth the time and they don't exactly feel that way.
i'm just saying she made you angry and that's the mistake that i made and am trying to wave in front of you graphically: YOU JUST DON'T, DO NOT, FORGET - REMEMBER, FRIEND HOW ANGRY YOU WERE.
my superiority complex has not made an appearance today, but i can feel it looming. there is a callous, dehumanizing subtext to everything that i want to write on the rest of this subject so i'm going to cease with that...

i think though that i would like to have this thing explained to me...the thing from catie's party with the girl from california. that actually still grates tremendously on my mind. i wouldn't say anything about it...i wouldn't but i'd like it if SOMEBODY WOULD...*nudge, scratch, gnaw*. my picture of somebody was very altered that day.

a) it wasn't a trust thing, i don't think. nobody's that stupid. b) your attitude towards me didn't dip after that. am i to regard that as being a lapse of functioning brain cells? and if that's going to happen...why don't you just not talk about me when you do it. because i like being your friend and i don't think you're really like that. i just think that you're really young. nothing is in order.

2
if somebody throws a party, you should definitely try to pay the party thrower their due attention and respect that you're in their space and not just treat it like a space for you to get naked. this applies to the last few and next few times i've seen people. i need to work on this, too. i hardly saw ally on new year's.

fuck all of this, by the way, and rent TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11