the self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves

4:07 p.m. x 2005-04-18

everything needs to change. i have to exert myself, i have to extend beyond myself if i want to even out what i feel is snowballing into massively unfair...what i thought was just a flighty hangup that would go away after i distanced myself from rough relationships.

NO. it's a defect in the dynamic that i build with other people, that they build with me, etc, that creates this enormous sore spot. and it's ironic that all weekend, i heard more positive things about myself than i've heard in a long time.

everytime you look at me you look at me like i'm A FUCKING PSYCHO and not the person who undoubtedly cares more about you than any single person on the planet who is not obligated to! and that's no lie! I PROBABLY DID...not ALL that damage but hell if you wanted to blame any of it on me i'd see, i'd permit that with nary a word of protest. i deserve to be railed against.

but i also think i deserve some other things from you (just saying this with no predatory slant whatsoever and meaning consideration, not to be looked at rudely every time i speak and things like that...still makes me feel like ted bundy and i'm referring to your remains).

IS THIS THE SAME THING WE RESOLVED IN FRESHMAN YEAR? IF SO - THAT WAS EIGHTH GRADE...I WILL FREELY ADMIT TO ALL INTERESTED PARTIES THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PARANOIA. honest a lot of what surrounds that paranoia is just the same worry dressed a different way about THE SINGLE THING THAT NOW IS HAPPENING AND IT'S SO STUPID and slippery and i cannot grasp it. it was AAAAALL MYYYY FAAAUULT.

yep.

so what did i do to you now? i'm ready to make up for it. i'm ready to do pretty much anything. just, please be nice to me again.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11