11:18 p.m. x 2005-04-22
i have been trying ALL WEEK to cry. i desperately, desperately needed to CRY with reckless abandon, scream and sob, the whole bit. i NEEEEDED it. today, after talking for a solid hour at my mother about "current events", she said something that finally crashed the gates. i teared up and collapsed into a pitiful pile of kari. i didn't lose it as badly as i would've liked to...to get everything out of my system...it was basically a less-rushed reiteration of my last therapy appointment, but my therapist does not know what my mom knows (when it comes to the only things i ever have problems with, which are social matters).
and it really was the saddest statement anybody could've made on the situation. and i know, i've known really that it's...if anything it was INEVITABLE. that things wouldn't be LIKE THAT for THAT LONG. but my plans have no end in sight...
...someday somebody is going to wake up and realize that i spent enough energy to power the state of virginia on making up for a year of bitchy inanity, that i really love them and they should totally consider hanging out with me. maybe catching a movie and lunch.
(grovelling has been employed. it is that bad. i am the whipped boyfriend, or dawn in "welcome to the dollhouse". i have no dignity in this matter: only dedication and blind, unyeilding love.)
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start