5:01 p.m. x 2005-04-27

that ambivalence walls me off. it's murky and old and makes it impossible to tell. when did this start (that is completely the wrong term) STOP? was there one day? is it as close as i think it was? or is this something you've been watching out for?

i ought to be able to say to myself that you have no heart, no ability to understand, no inner world, no comprehension beyond the security of a single harping issue. i should've known that I DO NOT FIT INTO THAT! i should've thought about it. i shouldn't have spent the energy. i suppose then i shouldn't even talk to you about it because you just stare at me rudely anyhow.

the only thing i did correct AS OF RECENTLY is continue to love you because you're my friend. before that, before this mess, i did PLENTY correct after the initial incorrect-ness. a scream paces around in my throat when i think about how much i tried to do right by you! MAYBE I'M NOT NATURALLY NICE and i have to WORK HARD in order to be. I WORK SO HARD TO BE PERFECT TO YOU/AT YOU/FOR YOU. you cannot appreciate anything.

i will carry wounds from this for a long time. so we're even now.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)