one could almost say that nothing is more hateful to man than to give up even a particle of his unconsciousness. ask those who have tried to introduce a new idea!

11:52 p.m. x 2005-06-11

the skin exposed to solar iniquity has settled a bit more into the ugliest variant of red known to man. it didn't help me that in dressing early this morning in order to sputter my way to work on time, i grabbed a shirt that was the same color, and what is worse - a fairly form-fitting shirt. none of this spells good for your heroine. i looked like a nordic radish with a small gut, *shudders*. i had a nice overshirt, but i shouldn't even have to say why it was around my waist the whole time. (other than trying to constrict my stomach from assaulting the customers...i'm exaggerating, my stomach could be so horribly worse, and i am blessed with having a figure that is extremely defined no matter my weight, which has been worse than it is now - i'm still angry because i'm still fat, no matter how i put it, and i'm not fat because i play video games all day and eat bacon morning noon & night i am so active and so-ish healthy that it is an OUTRAAAAGE! AN UTTER OUTRAAAAAGE! that i'm still a "bigger girl". a lot of this bitterness is reserved for my upper-arms. A GREAT BIG "FUCK YOU" TO MY UPPER-ARMS.)

after that i went to barnes & noble and sat in front of women's studies because i stood for nine hours straight before that. today's purchase was, very appropriately, naomi wolf's the beauty myth.

i know, though, that the crunches i'm furiously doing in between writing this are not strains under the patriarchy to assume an impossible standard that will forever bind me in the rigors of psychological bondage. i just want to buy clothes from department stores. i'm fucking sick of driving out for hours to a torrid or a lane bryant (and if a chain carries 2Xs, they're always way too long, because they're just the small size enlarged, congenial places carry realistic XLs that are not Ms in disguise - if i were a straight, generic L, i'd be so fucking hott i wouldn't know what to do with myself, being able to shop anywhere might backfire on me).

this always happens at the beginning of summer because my complexion blows angrily now. it used to be PERFECT and very, very fair. now i have the oddest case of zits, which explode under my skin from stress. they're few and far between but they also can be as big as the average button. needless to say, it's repellant.

also i'm a raddish. it doesn't help.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11