2:21 a.m. x 2005-06-30

the last entry i wrote didn't surface, which will probably be a karmic benefit. i am flustered. i am a person who doesn't like to be balanced and who probably has more balance than is good for her. i think too damn much. i read somewhere very recently that by not letting things gestate and by ALWAYS CONCENTRATING and examining and THINKING all the damn time makes you an idiot and how i believe it.

i bought a diary at border's with the gift card clare's mom gave me (earlier in the month) and i'm making it entirely about things that i make up (except for the first page which is about nothing but in HUGE PRINT). it's half a relief. it's like two-thirds of a relief and pathetic the rest of the way but i love it. it's inching towards joy and immediacy and coherent narrative (i say "coherent" but i mean literal words, not suggestions of them which was what all of my art was) that drawing always pissed me off with. it never drove my point home because i a) drew in an academic structure and b) i can only draw faces and enjoy it. so this is a step.

someday i'll be a director. i lllooong for my ideas to be tangible and impossible to ignore.

i am full of good feelings. you don't fucking believe me!

i had this weird conversation with my mother the other day, i started on this very structured, painterly analysis of "get behind me satan", what i thought where it's merits and missteps, but it sounded so like i'd written drafts of it before i said it out loud. i do that sometimes. i can get so structured verbally. i gotta stop being so FLUSTERED and get more STRUCTURED.

"the woodsman" kicked ass, bee tee double-you.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)