You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

i probably acted glum today, even though i wasn't glum really. i'm just muddled and disoriented.

but tomorrow i shop, and order will be restored. i'm SHOPPING LIKE FUCKING MAD, DO YOU HEAR ME? i'm also eating better tomorrow than i did today. today i had cereal at seven, a sandwich at noon, soup and half a chocolate cone at six, and then a small cup of ambrosia at nine. when i write it like that it seems all well and good but it is not. tomorrow i'm having cereal and a sandwich. i'm sick out of my mind. BUT NOT TOO SICK TO MISS SHOPPING.

when i'm alone i'll have my life in order, i promise. i'll do my laundry and i'll read the new york times and i'll meditate. i will actually go to a mental health professional and tell them what the problem is and see if there is something to unfix the peristant, invasive white noise without the aid of medication. i will do this, and i will also help people. i will plow headlong into internships and hotlines.

every time i think that this is necessary to get there i cry, because knowing that doesn't make living at home suck any less (but i do want you to know that i pay attention and i take impeccable notes and i will be so good at this, I AM SO GOOD AT THIS THEY WILL EXPUNGE ME WITHIN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, and i will do my own laundry...).

i wonder what i'm going to buy tomorrow. i know that i need nail polish...

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)