phoebe weatherfield caulfield

6:06 p.m. x 2005-07-20

i'm experiencing attraction/repulsion to such a degree i find there's no room for progress in any other arena right now. so much so that i think i'm going to write this person a letter. not send it. just explain it to myself. why i am attracted to things in people that if they were ever to lead to things, they would lead to horrible things. i don't think i am attracted to horrible people necessarily but until i see something horrible about them i generally don't feel one...one sort or another about them.

also i have had this thing as far back as...a considerable distance back, i say...this thing that people are starting, that these really awful bands are starting to all ascribe to...

...fucking everyone's wearing a suit, man. dubya tee eff? don't get me wrong. i like to look at a magazine cover and even if the kid makes unlistenable garbage, he looks respectable, strapping, and makes it much harder for me to move through my day smoothly and seamlessly because i am so SOOOOO repressed really.

compared to my peers, i have the relationships IQ of a twelve-year-old boy, and i go about expressing it in much the same...the same fashion. i'm likely to bite, curse and abuse the lust object in order to rouse the same feelings that i harbor for him. to get us on an even-footing. in general, i am just simply RUDE to most boys when i meet them. not all of them, but a few of them. i mean, i don't know any except friends' boyfriends and ryan and paul. but i have to think about that, if i want to work on that or not.

it'd be nice to fine someone similarly stunted. i'm confident that i will someday. probably in treatment, where it will be illegal for me to do anything to them, thus adding to the allure.

(if you can find the omitted word that i tried not to use twice in here, you'll understand, you'll cringe, you'll pat me on the head and you'll go "awe - you are a teenager". if you happen to get it. don't go through too much trouble to comprehend my plight.)

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11