11:56 p.m. x 2005-08-28

i can't believe HOW COMPARTMENTALIZED i am. do you know how scary that is? i know that that anger is here, it is here somewhere and that is scary! it's tucked under something, around something...it's going to jump out and it's going to crash on me, i'm going to wreck so vehemently. i better find it fast. before it finds me.

i'm glad to know things. i'm glad i saw clare alone today (even if it wasn't as long as i would've liked it to be). i'm glad but...i'm compartmentalized. i can't get to everything, and i was so mean today {not to her}. i had so much sideways aggression. it stings the bridge of my nose to think about it.

this thing happened once before with this kid, and this trigger would happen. this thing would go off and i would positively melt...i'd be a sopping puddle in the front seat of his car. that was silly. i was little (real little, yes, you can find entries about this person if you leaf back far enough! i'm not the most opaque person!).

i still feel tricked and raped and bad and scary. can't i? i mean, i've been smacked and beaten in my own way...(as much as i have ACTUALLY smacked and beaten him, i want to stop, MAKE ME STOP because i cannot on my own I AM COMPARTMENTALIZED).

at the end of the day i curl up and cry and shake my head and think of how incapable i am. AGH. THIS IS WEAK AND BAD BEHAVIOR. THIS RUINS A BEAUTIFUL THING. {what are you talking about? this - not only is this not beautiful, it doesn't exist...}

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)