7:41 p.m. x 2005-11-22

being that i'm only familiar with myself in one context, even this slight shift is bizarre and telling (maybe, maybe not, realistically i can't say, can i?) of what it'll be like when i actually uproot. or it's a more explicit, flat, obvious way of saying what was all ready well established about me.

(i invite things that i really don't want, i walk into places i really don't want to be, i make the assumption that i control everything and there is no variable, that there are little painterly situations that YOU wouldn't want to ruin by making one thing into another - i'm beginning to want to wear a "don't fuck with me" sign explicity stating all that falls under the "fuck" category. i am sooo close.)

in other news (a tad weird): so i ordered those two skirts from hot topic (see past entries) and i ordered one in 2X and one in XL. because despite being a large in pretty much everything, hot topic's stuff still runs really small, so thus. today clare called (wheeee) to celebrate the wonder that is her new boyfriend (i'll catch up to that and the amazing spectacle in a second) and to remind me that i had a shirt of hers. it'd been stuffed into one of my bags, so i went to my mom's closet to get it. while there, of course, i looked over my purchases once more, and realized the skirt that i'd purchased, which had fit just fine, was a large.

that deserved a paragraph of "!" because of how long that shit could not come within miles of fitting me. oh...nice. reeeeally nice.

etc, then. it's really early in the game to say it, but i'd like to give ricky fitts, new sidekick of clare, a "miracle" statuette and a large sum of money. cause he's what she deserves, i don't feel that dread, he isn't an idiot, and while his timing blows more than any joke about prostitutes one might insert here, he just doesn't bother me. he doesn't bother me so much that i could easily consider him a friend. i'd proudly wave the "go ricky fitts!" banner any day, which i am beyond happy to say.

as for other things: you deserve a paragraph full of "fuck you"s but not enough for me to give you one. you don't deserve a mention from me anymore. you're a speedbump i happen to hit once. i climbed out of my burning vehicle and i'm a good state away by now.

i woke up really late. my dexterity is shot and there is no heat NO HEAT WHATSOEVER in my room like to the point that it is very tough for me to operate in there. so i have this HUGE robe on and i've been teetering around not even all day (because i haven't been awake), sorting pictures on the computer and staring at things in my room. i can't find my first volume of princess ai even though i know it's around.

OH. oh!

i want to mention: i made another friend at school. her name's chris. she lives farther away from half-college than i do. she isn't into role-playing and she isn't a laveyist, which makes her one of the most unique people i have met so far.

(there is nothing wrong with "questioning" - not at all, and not with anything. but because i am very "certain" of most things [and that that i'm not certain of, i am not in crises over], i am not "where" many of my peers are. sucks for me, basically.)

chris is really nice. we walked to the parking lot and HUGGED. i thought that was AWESOME because i was like GEEZ i haven't done THAT to somebody new since WHEN??? DUH because I HAVEN'T MADE ANY FEMALE FRIENDS. except allison who is very sick, but very sweet. i hope she's doing well, it's so cold.

!!! - cold is fanTAStic, and worth many more !s than it gets here.

anyway...things are in flux, where they belong. i'm thinking that i may have a party for the holidays, and that would make me collapse with utter joy (and the likelihood of such is excellent - i'm pretty faint lately).

also i saw the "(s)aint" video (you can too, sir). it was banned? i half get that. i get that people would overreact like that. but please. that's nothing that isn't par for the course in film, though. or maybe that's just my way of thinking (my thought process has been known to jack-off to trannies more than occassionally - i guess i'm biased).

it's interesting that his past two "major" visual projects - "(s)aint" and "DOPPELHERZ", were both promoted as being a look into his darkest hour, so to speak, when it seems he's never been happier. i can competely see where he's at there, the exorcism, the "thank god (errrrr) i'm not THERE" projection. also "DOPPELHERZ" was epilogued with 'these were meant to be the last words of mm, heard by his loved ones'. i've gotta say...thank goodness they weren't. because, personally, if my RECORDED last words were spoken in a fake german accent, i don't care who had access to them. i'd just die. again.

i hear stevie nicks.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)