You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

recieved a CATIE-VISIT today! and that was marvelous. she greatly enjoyed her gifts (set of soaps, necklace, lipstick) and i greatly enjoyed the muffins she brought! we dressed up and watched a spot of "rocky horror" and agreed we must see "brokeback mountain" within the week. amen.

i didn't fail any of my classes, but i'm going to have to re-take the one (art) because the credit won't transfer and it wound up being a required credit. so i'll do that, and it'll override the D, whatever i get this time. and that'll be good.

when my friends graduate from high school this year, i'm going to fucking scream and cry like i didn't at my graduation (i was happy i graduated, i'm happy they're graduating - but i'll get a lot more out of seeing them move along).

that terrible force that moved through my life from august through much of october, who was living with my wonderful catie, is being expulsed in two weeks, and the house he's being put in his a block down from me and across the street from jimmy and kara, and he knows how to access all of our houses very easily. tweak is nearby, and clare, too. that bothers me, i don't want him to bother my friends. i feel bad for introducing him to them.

if he comes anywhere near me, i'm going to get very, very irrational. i'm willing to do a lot of irrational things to get him to just not come near me again. i'm not beyond a lascivious lie to get him arrested. he really pushed all the wrong buttons with me. i don't feel good about it, i probably will continue to have trouble with that until i seek counseling again. he really shot a hole through something that was really important.

he didn't ruin it, but i lost my footing and i'm having a pretty bad time of steadying myself again. i can get up, i can go to work, i can go to school, i can see my friends, i can have fun, i can go about my business. i'm unraveling like fucking crazy - it just happens that it isn't being broadcast.

i learned that i have a really strong, transcendant bond with my best friend. i kind of knew that, but because even though she didn't understand why i was upset, the constant objective was that we remain friends. she had a weak spot hit, she did a mean thing to me, and she didn't get why i reacted. the matter is finished. i'm happy, he didn't take that away from me.

but that feeling hasn't gone away. that's the emptiest i've ever felt; the most gutted and the most raped. after losing my first best friend in this really lame, drawn-out, ambling pattern of ridiculousness that diminished the first beautiful thing i ever experienced and reduced it to this stupid, shameful matter of - i swear - the ability to not see an individual for her growth as a person. she was not the girl i met in 5th grade, she was not the girl i bonded with in 6th grade, she was not the girl i talked to every day in 7th grade, she was not the girl i ABUSED THE HELL OUT OF IN 8TH GRADE!, she was not the girl i grew immeasurably close to in 9th grade, she was not the girl i hung on to in spite of losing my other friends of that group in 10th grade, and she wasn't even the girl who bothered to hang out with me but ONCE throughout all of 11th grade. she changed. know what? that's great. people will do that on you. it didn't bother me, once i got the hint that that was a natural progression for somebody. sure we had a lot more in common when we were little and we both liked white makeup and marilyn manson (i mean, i still do - but i have other interests, as opposed to being twelve when that's really all you can handle). and when i started doing the psychosexual analysis, film theory, catharsis, exorcism, beatles thing you became a hippie. cool! contrast! you tell me about the weather underground, i'll tell you about "peeping tom", you know.

okay, i'm still a little perplexed, but it hasn't even been a year yet so i can be. anyway, i'm just lucky that clare & i didn't twist and disassemble our friendship into a laundry list of inanities, trivialities and traumatic experiences. we did think of quite a lengthy list of in-jokes, but beyond that bit, we actually have a friendship.

i may have to see her, my old best friend...i may encounter her in may. if i do, i'll disassociate. i'll put money down on that - i will have a full-on flight of consciousness. or i'll have a psychogenic fugue and find myself toiling up the alaska pipeline nine weeks removed. i won't initiate eye contact. she'll have to say hello, which, if she does, maybe she still has that thing in her - what is that thing? personality? she has a great personality. she really does. she's strong as all get out. i guess she just doesn't see it as being to her benefit as a victim anymore (a victim of me, amongst other things - i'm SO CERTAIN I'M IN THERE! how can you be my best friend for seven-odd years and not include me as a symptom of your dysfunction?!?!).

but if she marches over to me and demands i explain why i did this or this or why i didn't do that, if she shoves me and yells at me and treats me with complete disdain, i'll be happy on a certain, important level. i will have spoken to her. that would've been in the clear. and if i did that and she LISTENED, and we got to the bottom of everything...i'd be OVER. THE. MOON. even if we never spoke again, that'd be at rest.

...and then a bunch of things to psychoanalytical and sexually explicit for even dland (never mind xanga)! seriously, kids...i have the best friends. i have met the greatest people considering where i live, the number of wonderful people i've known and the times i've had with them are mind-boggling. i'm lucky. i'm so fortunate, it's sickening.

she is not. me: 11. her: negative.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)