cry surface tension

7:48 p.m. x 2006-01-27

wicked of me: i procured "lalleshwari" via download. lied on my bed and listened to it, watched "sin city" with the sound off. just tried lying off the being useless. wrote a little. cut out some pictures. went into a decent trance.

my comparative religion teacher gave me a bindi to wear! i still have it on. i'm seeing him tomorrow so if it stays through the night he gets to see my bindi. it's awfully magic; i got more compliments today than i ever tend to get, and they weren't about the bindi. people just looked at me and made "wow!" comments quite frequently.

in human sexuality i transcribed a print-out that was hanging in the psych lab: "the psychiatric hotline".

  • if you are obssessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
  • if you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
  • if you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
  • if you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
  • if you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
  • if you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. no one will answer.
  • i got an B on my first human sexuality assignment! a good start (and i did it right before class)! i really want to do well in that class. i really hope to overcome being useless for that and comparative religion. and of course i want to pass science and history, so i'll never have to worry about them again.

    i hate AIM. i hate conversing on the internet. it's so sterile.

    i should cry because i have a lot in me, but it's mostly just bad, jumpy nerves. i tried to cry in jimmy's car last week twice and couldn't really do it. sort of because i have this thing in me that's really peaceful and happy in the face of everything, a little flowering buddha. it might be jimmy, actually, as he has consistently told me to hang in there. i could probably bring myself to cry about that; what a great friend to me that jimmy is. tolerant, outstanding and magical, that jimmy.

    i'm having a bit of trouble drilling it through my young man's thick skull, however, the truth about his wonderousness. my efforts have only resulted in my beating myself up internally, as all my words and all my efforts fail against his impenetrable self-loathing. i'm not irrational, i know that's him and not me, AND he & i are within weeks of first conversing. i'm not freaking out about it; i haven't even had a proper chance to do much about it.

    i have a lot of faith in my feelings and in him, however. i'm not really very worried. i just have bad nerves and a one-track-mind. and i care about him an awful awful awful lot.

    worth dyin for.
    worth killin for.
    worth goin to hell for.

    amen.

    if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
    pieces of the moon
    JOBJOBJOB
    interviewinterviewinterview
    sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
    (& etc)

    anybody can be just like me, obviously.
    not too many can be like you, fortunately.
    KL 02-11