DERAILED

1:32 p.m. x 2006-02-08

communication. openness. i value being able to talk to my friends so highly, it's the best thing about my life.

but for the sake of my friendship, one of my closest, i may need to set up a restriction to keep his other very valuable friendship safe. he's in a crisis of allegiance and it isn't fair to him. he needs to be there for his friend; he's there for me but i'm a lot more competant about the scene. it's an ugly scene. it's a brilliant scene that's coming out the wrong colors.

i need a hill to run up on and wretch and yell and hit the wind. i need to cry really badly, but i'm super partitioned. the crying me refuses to come back inside. it's on the hill. it can stay there, but as long as it's there i can't be there. i don't really want to be within miles of me.

i just have to be very strong.

i can't afford to not be, i owe it to myself to exert my power, to do everything within my power to make it go my way.

if i could change anything about myself, i'd make myself less introspective. i lose hours of the day being introspective. i overanalyze and it hurts me. i hate doing things that hurt me. i'm not going to hurt myself again because it's FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

i have control. whether or not it looks like it, i hold all the cards. nobody foresees where i go with things. i have to maintain my grip on myself, though. others i can keep in line. i lose me pretty easily.

not a person i met today is having anything remotely resembling a good week. i can only attribute it to that, because i'm doing everything perfect.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11