"don't even try me at tetris, i'm on fiyah today!"

9:15 p.m. x 2006-05-31

this is from a kara-quizilla from may two years ago!







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that means i'm paul. today i thought about gay experiences on the couch and makin bacon in tweak's basement. and dial-the-truth ministries and raampi-raampi. i talked to kara, dan and (hlysht!) HEATHABEE. talking to kara always makes me super freaking ecstatic, i told dan something i hadn't really planned on sharing with anybody else and it made me cry, but then heathabee and i made plans and suddenly the world was once more...

...i was just going to write "like a picture of a sunny day".

my whole life is like a picture of a sunny day..."modern girl" by sleater-kinney has officially become THE SONG I CAN'T HEAR. won't listen to. will avoid listening to. "narc" is sort of that as well. i don't think i'll be hearing either for a while.

when i was at clare's after the art show we saw something about channel one on tv and THAT'S ONE OF THE ASPECTS OF HIGH SCHOOL I HAD COMPLETELY ENTIRELY TOTALLY WITHOUT REALIZING IT forgotten about utterly and totally by the very summer after graduation. geesh, haha. now i remember it. and i'm pissed to have been reminded, haha.

him: i think i'm going to go _____. (stupid self-destructive behavior)
her: why would you want to do that...
him: it'll take my mind off my problems.
her: then i'm going to go _____, (other stupid self-destructive behavior), i have problems, too.
him: but that's painful. you're in pain and you're countering it with more pain. how does that...

confused hand-motions ensued. confused hand-motions will ensue for the rest of your life. tomorrow i have to wake up in order to get up to the school by ten-thirty, which won't be a big deal except i'll be walking again and heather hasn't seen me look presentable in ages and ages. i don't even know if i should be walking. i'm really relishing having time to myself and so much free-time but i can't help being excited for class. ESPECIALLY WITH CLARE. OH MY GOD.

i know clare and i have had the most difficult year, pretty much starting this time last year, things have been super super tough and lots of crazy shit has happened to us and between us. this is true. BUT SHE'S STILL MY BEST FRIEND. and you know about everything if you've been reading this...maybe not explicitly exactly what's been going on, but it isn't so hard to miss how i've been feeling...well, i don't care if this is a "lack of personal progress", i need something to be like it was. i need to go to school with my best friend again. i love change and progression but SOMETIMES I ALSO JUST FUCKING WANT THE GOOD THINGS TO STAY THAT WAY.

i read all of kara's dland entries today. i am 36940425486 assorted kinds of FORTUNATE to HAVE HER IN MY LIFE.

so this is the end of may...and i have this feeling that i know i said last year, and i know i said this then out of desparation...i say it now because I REALLY FEEL IT...that this summer will be a good one, and this winter will be absolutely brilliant...you hear me..."kill bill", ring-the-bells fucking BRILLIANT.

or
i'm
gonna
shoot
somebody.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11