the gangs stake out their own campus locale, and if they catch you slippin' then it's all over, pal

8:48 p.m. x 2006-06-03

years ago, you said to me,
"i think i'm losing the fight,
or the fight's losing me,
i'm not certain"
and here we are-the closing scenes,
and all the house lights come up,
oh, the falling of our final curtain
i've played a role for so long that i've forgotten myself,
but i said i'd be there and i'm keeping my word,
you've played yourself so well,
and now i want to be you,
a great imitation of losing my nerve.

nerina pallot, "damascus"

my aunt is out here again. today i finally got to go to the bookstore, and i bought an issue of BUST and the essential difference, which is about the difference between the male & female brain and specifically how it is being speculated that autism is an example of the extreme male brain. i was going to get a book on the pathology of women's desire, and i think i'm going to get that next time.

i have two paychecks i haven't done anything with.

i don't really like katie couric. at all. right now everyone is downstairs watching a special about her on tivo and i'm upstairs a) really not wanting to watch tv, b) really wanting to hang out with my aunt. i don't think there's anything i dislike more intensely (oh...blatant lie, i dislike a lot of things intensely, but this does top the list because it is something i will get actively enraged about right away when it happens and i won't let it simmer or stop bothering me) as when i want to spend time with someone and they want to watch tv. or i am in the room and they will not unfix their attention. it creeps the shit out of me.

i don't like to compete with a box of images.

granted, i love film, and i love movies, but only under certain circumstances do i enjoy seeing them with somebody else. if i watch a movie with somebody, i will always discuss it with them. i will make it an active viewing experience. i won't just sit and ignore my partner. that annoys the shit out of me when that happens.

i also never want to tell my children in the future that i can't do something with them because a certain show is on. I CANNOT STAND THAT. i will NEVER be reduced to a catatonic haze where my life is so tedious and my disdain for everyone else so enveloping that i must relegate myself to the couch day after day and submit to THE FOOD NETWORK AND IGNORE EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME!!!

if you know me you know what i'm transgressing about right now.

all right...done with the aggression. i'm doing really good right now, actually. i feel free. it's june now. the 6th month out of 12. that means 2006 is halfway over. this year has been REALLY REALLY interesting so far. overwhelmingly, almost. like...shaky, creepy, upsetting, godawful, harrowing, exhilirating, amazing and NOTHING I COULD HAVE EVER MADE UP.

this is the first year that my real life has influenced my writing and not the other way around.

THIS IS THE FIRST YEAR I REALLY EXISTED.

and i had to learn to abandon some of the things i did and the ways i did some things...the ways i used to deal with things and some of the buffers i used between myself and reality. i stopped obsessing over and hiding in things that i made up. granted, i started to do a bit of that with things that exist, but it is a step.

and steps are good.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11