I'LL NEVER BE HIP

8:44 p.m. x 2006-08-26

my mom and i were driving home from my work and we both thought about my old best friend at the same time. i watched "3 women" today and was dramatically struck with how similar sissy spacek's character pinky resembled my old best friend in her manner and her attitude...and likewise how i acted like millie when i was younger. it was just interesting to observe. i'm better about everything now. but...wow, the only lingering worm of weird in the epic of "are you serious?!?!?!!!" that was our friendship...it just takes the cake that her psychiatrist has ordered her never to speak to me again.

that's like...worth putting on a resume. now, on the one hand, i could have treated her neuroses with more sensitivity. i think i was probably in a decently consistent state of making her feel awkward about all the really awkward things she felt. looking at it objectively, far away from it now that it doesn't affect me, it was HORRIBLY fucking awkward and i feel miserable sometimes thinking that i didn't just understand. i had to make her feel funny about it. and i know why i did that...because i wanted her to talk to me about stuff that i knew was happening...

obviously, that wasn't the way to go about it. but all i ever wanted was for her to talk to me again. but every time i'd start listening, i had to be an ass again. because at the time i really didn't understand it. i mean...i understand why and how certain things happen, but there's always a reason and that's what i wanted, i wanted her motivation to wrap my head around.

and i would still kind of like to know...what my final nail in the coffin was. did it come junior year or senior year? was it before or after the summer...during, when she could easily make the move to stop interacting with me. was it even supposed to be in effect when i watched the "boston legal" tapes at her house? the last time i was over there...

she and i sat in her parent's room and watched "boston legal" episodes she'd taped. for only a few hours, like...a really short amount of time. i was almost upset that she didn't want to hang out a bit longer. that was it until my graduation party, where i took her up to my room and showed her where i'd framed her picture. i saw her at graduation and that was it. we never interacted again.

i'll be a bitch now and say...i've had better friends since...but isn't that alluring? i mean...she was really damaged and i just didn't handle it well, and that's why she can't address me any longer. but seriously...i wonder if there's a restraining order on me and i don't even know it.

bah.

kara talked to me today from college!!! and clare called last night, excited. both of them seen very comfortable and happy, which pleases me greatly...

but i think i need to lie down and watch a movie again. something cute, potentially...jimmy's away message says "i love you". hehehe *^-^*. i was thinking today also (i do a lot of that shit) about this one time...when i liked him but he didn't like me back. i never wanted to extend myself to him and look needy, so whenever i couldn't speak to him, i'd think it was a good oppertunity. it'd always be then, then that i'd get calls and messages saying "where are you??!?!"...which made me twice as lustful and hazy because i wasn't around and he wanted me to be around...and because i am the secret middleschooler...

anyhow, one night, he wasn't online, so i just went to my room to fall asleep and watch craig furgeson. while doing so, jimmy and i talked via txts about how his computer was broken, and when it was fixed he got on and wanted to talk to me that way. hehehe...the gesture really touched me. and the one night i was at clare's, and he txt'd me to get on the internet, and he sent me a picture of the cd ("yes, virginia...") that i wanted that he'd put on hold for me *^-^*. a lovely move. i like thinking about that.

i made myself really angry and upset yesterday, but all has blown over and gotten resolved. i had a marvelous conversation with ken today...and am having another right now, regarding how i am on par with two sets of testicles (so divine). duff is calling jimmy to ask him if we can do something and is claiming it to be my idea. tomorrow i think that i am going to coconuts to purchase the bergman trilogy. oooo...TOP THAT!

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11