4:28 p.m. x 2006-10-11
should i defend my position in a blog?
do i feel like i need to?
i feel a little like i need to. it isn't a position to be defenseless on. one part of me reasons that only my really close friends read this and they don't need explaining to. that they'd understand. but i know really that this isn't that sort of "if you're my friend you'll understand" matter because i know my friends have my best interest at heart, and they know i've been really hurt. they don't want me to be hurt again. they don't want to see me make a stupid move or fall prey to one either.
i invite criticism. remarks. loss of faith. i have unfinished business. unspent energy. i have an oppertunity. i will not defend that. but BELIEVE ME if i feel like things are headed down where they went, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING PUT UP WITH IT.
i'm pretty livid. i've got a lot to sort out with myself. i feel like i'm going to get attacked. i don't care how stupid, trite or masochistic my feelings are. they're my feelings. i'm not ready to move on. i am not going to be happy until i expend and explore the energy properly. it's how i operate. this decision sits right with me. if you think i've not learned anything, you're wrong. if this ends in me in a sobbing heap, then you're right, haha, and i've learned nothing. but i'm at my edge and he is more than aware of that.
i don't know.
i'm very happy because this is what i want. i understand if that doesn't make the sharpest sense. you'd sort of have to be there. it isn't worth explaining, err..."worth" is not the term. it isn't relevant to anybody else. let me work it out. if you care about me, let me, because so much is unsettled and still preoccupied. and i get what i get, i know that.
let's just try and have a nice time now, everybody. i'm done with meandering around the capitol region until six a.m. crying. i'm done with agonizing over details. i'm done with grappling with ambivalence and why i can't open myself to other things. i can't force hands. there's stuff i have to do first.
this is important. i don't care if i'm dramatizing it. i'm writing this so i have to speak the minimum of it later. i'm tired of talking about it. if i have to talk about it (in that manner) again, that'll be a warning sign for me. but please...talk to me about movies, music, books, school, politics...anything. anything but my social life. IT'S RELEVANCE CEASES.
I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. THIS IS THE FINAL WORD WITH REGARD TO IT.
anyhow...i hung out with the fountains at school today. they're nice. i'd never been by them. i'll go there more often. that made me really really happy. i am very happy today.
edit: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. something really bad happened, family-related. gah. i can't believe that. holy shit.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start