You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

last night my boyfriend's mother talked to me for an hour on the phone. it was a ridiculously ambivalent conversation. the very first thing she did was ask me over for thanksgiving. not two minutes later, she very blatantly stated that she hopes jimmy doesn't factor me into his decision making with regards to his future.

wwwoooooowww.

now, she's his mom. that is exactly what she's supposed to think, and i'd be concerned if she didn't want to protect him from the race of backstabbing, sinister life-ruiners lacking a Y chromosome. she likes me, but by no means does that designate me any exception. but to say it to my face, more or less. this is why that woman is my worthy opponant.

the subject was brought up via my own remark about the state of ernie, jimmy's best friend. ernie resides in florida, currently, but ernie had lived up here and was very much in love with a young lady still living around here. he went to school in florida for a year, then came back up here to be with her. he went to school for film and came back here, aware of the fact that there is no film industry here. she was here, and before he made any break in film, he wanted her with him. well - he came back, and she washed her hands of him. he was very beleagured by this, is still not over it, and has moved back to florida to continue pursuing his career with newfound vigor and a twinge of spite.

so jimmy wants to go to school where he went, and live down there. so that really upset me cause...err, i love him very much. i told him outright - ONE OF THE VERY VERY HARDEST THINGS I'VE EVER DONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE - i bawled uncontrollably, explaining that i never wanted to talk anyone out of anything so badly in my entire life. the thought of being a great distance from him made me cripplingly miserable. so i expressed this to him, then his mother expressed her concern to me.

she regaled me of the facility and it's merits and the amazing locale and all it has to offer someone who has talent and passion and willing to work the asses of a small army off to get what he/she wants. being the obscene film geek that i am, her description of the film department made me tear up.

sometimes i curse my resilience. only because it isn't a trait common amongst too many people. people don't like to fail. that's pretty understandable. they don't like to make mistakes and, even if they know that if they try for something and will be absolutely beyond happy in the event of succeess, the threat of failure corners them into some safe alternative.

nothing makes me feel worse than what-ifs and regrets. and i always feel my best when i know i've been sincere and acted according to my feelings. jimmy's mom berated ernie, saying to me how idiotic a move it was to factor that young lady into his decision making. i had no idea how to respond. i'm pretty certain i yes'd up that conversation pretty fair across the board (no way in hell was i about to contest her, it was like eleven at night). it made me think. ernie made me think. but what made me feel better was...

"i'm psychotically avoidant of thinking ahead as far as it's concerned. i'm just trying to appreciate what i have right now."
"that's smarter than you know."

i know i'll be all right. i've had a shaky, vulnerable week. but i'm so happy that jimmy listened to what i said to him, and really wanted to know how i felt. that meant more than anything. it sucks to now be so preoccupied with events that won't ensue for another year. but i shouldn't let that interfere with right now. because...

"tsk tsk. you're rather lucky."

yeah, i am.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)