You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

my mother remarked about how awful i look again today. "it's like you don't care about your appearance" says the woman who wears her tracksuit to bed and has a cripplingly butch haircut and always looks miserable.

i am relatively alert most of the time (or at least appear to be). i put thought into what i wear every morning, even if it isn't spectacular - right now it is freezing, my hormones are whackass, and I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME to toil over my hair every goddamn morning. sorry. sorry i have a couple of zits, too. jesus.

she thinks they are herpes. because she is out of her fucking mind. i will allow her to think this because of the sheer absurdity.

my response to her every remark is "okay. all right." nothing she says makes much of an impact. it's her PERSISTANCE that drives me crazy. and the fact that, for christ's sake, i am such an easy kid. she is immature and impossible to speak to. i'm not brimming with wisdom but, jesus, i can talk about a problem without throwing shit across the room or stooping to rude remarks about her appearance (and do i ever have a neat little backlog of these).

what burns me the most is when she talks about my weight. she is so fucked up about weight and food it is repulsive. she isn't heavy, really. she isn't thin, either. neither am i. middle-of-the-road. but jesus christ. she thinks i have gone downhill and i look terrible and i don't care about my weight and i eat way way too much.

she thought i had it all together last year because i was losing weight and working constantly.

guess what. i worked constantly so i couldn't eat. i rarely ate. when i did eat it wasn't much. i wasn't happy. i really really wasn't happy. in january i could barely type because i didn't have feeling in my hands. what is that shit?

yeah. that pisses me off.

now i have breakfast (bagel and coffee), bread or quakes when i come home, oatmeal at some point, and dinner, which is usually a sandwich. i occasionally enjoy soda, but still drink water, predominately.

and this is eating too much.

my mother is fucking insane.

so, my hair isn't really looking it's best. there are more important things to worry about. like how i am getting my ass home from school today. ARGH!

i hope jimmy and i go to gettysburg today because i need to get his present. in his presence. oooh yesssss.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)