You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

i am so achey and beaten-up. i can't believe it. i feel like i got the life sucked out of me. i'm not very riveted at another fourish months of this, but i'm more prepared this time. ugh, but my lower back is stabbing me. and all up the back of my left thigh is in a grisly amount of pain. it'll be an all right pain in a matter of time, because i actually put a good amount of physical strain on it that it just isn't used to. it will be beneficial to my thighs to feel the burn of physical exertion.

awesome physical exertion.

i think about sex too much. i need a nap, christ.

edit: becoming used to yourself is a very valuable, wonderful lesson. i don't know about you, but i piss myself off all the time. i'm willing to bet i piss myself off more in a day than i have ever pissed off anyone else i've known in my entire life. and that's wrong of me, that i'm on such bad terms with myself. that i'm unable to forgive myself for small missteps and that i am so impatient with myself.

sometimes i wish i had been more honest back in high school about how i felt with regards to education, what i wanted after i graduated and what was important to me. i wish i'd said it to someone. even myself. but to myself, i wanted vehemently what i could get in light of not getting what i really wanted.

I TEND TO TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT I WANT IN TERMS OF THINGS THAT I'M MORE LIKELY TO GET BECAUSE I'M AFRAID OF TELLING ANYONE, MYSELF INCLUDED, WHAT I REALLY WANT (though, though...this is very important. i have taken steps to change this about me. and just the simple act of talking to jimmy on a couple of occassions has really helped me to be more honest with myself about things of this nature, and he has been awesome about this by just listening).

and it's really not that big of a deal. it really isn't. and it isn't worth crying over, and i'm going to stop it.

it is more important to me that i get away from my house and my parents more than it is to complete the latter two years of my degree immediately upon completing this year. and no, that does not mean in any way shape or form whatsoever at all that i DON'T WANT MY DEGREE. holy shit, yes i do. i want it now, in fact. i love school. i enjoy school. i love the field/s i'm interested in and i'm good at what i'd like to do. i am not worried about me in the long run. i believe in myself.

but i also believe in prioritizing, and that things can go straight to hell when you don't know how to prioritize.

none of my friends are picking up their phones. that's why you get this. but that's why you're here. thank you.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)