You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

i aaalmost just put a new layout up, but i like it so much that i want to iron out any kinks before i fully erect it. my soul is feeling kind of trampled upon, by my own volition.

a pile of old notebooks avalanced me and i discovered that a lot of the concepts and story ideas i'm currently working with are much older than i remember them being.

i wish i still had my oldest draft of my oldest story. i still hazily remember how i worked out the beginning. i remember writing about the main character's parents near a building under a shady tree, and i remember the picture i saw that made me visualize the main character the easiest. there was a long, elaborate subplot with a little sister character i hated. i hated both the girl and the subplot. little girls are tricky to handle in general, and she didn't serve a purpose for the story. also the main character married his best friend, there was a key throng of fans surrounding them at various points in the story. those things all survived to a few subsequent drafts. most drafts begin with the mother in therapy, all mature drafts begin in a motel room.

it has been 40 pages and it has been 14 pages. most if not all of it, any of it was written past midnight. it says what i always wanted to say, and if someone was going to get to know me the best, they'd have to know it about me. and it is a small and normal thing that almost everyone has. probably everybody. there are metaphors for stagnation, fear of desire, guilt. things everyone has or hates or worries over. but i guess it is the way in which i chose to word it that says something about me in particular, that i am not as accepting of my own feelings. i struggle against my emotions. i fight them, and they come out swinging.

i want this little book to swing.

it is unfriendly, but my hope is, with all of the gruff and gristly bits concerning the depths of my emotional repression, i want to accurately juxtapose it with the very safest and warmest i have ever felt. i want that vivid contrast. i used to feel overwhelmed by all the bad in me, and it has devoured some of the greatest things i've ever had going, but being that i've since begun to grow up, it has served to enhance the good experience. i feel a lot more balanced now than i ever have.

mmm.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)