11:51 p.m. x 2007-05-22

sometimes i'm not sure i've done the right thing where a friend of mine's concerned. night after night after night that i've spent wishing to meet her again, re-introduce myself and get to know her over again. maybe take a different attitude with her. but i liked it so much the first time, the way it happened, and it could've only happened that way for things to become like they became. some of the most vivid and wonderful memories i have so far, and now that i'm a good distance from high school, i'm proud to look at it. it was what i wanted it to be, and she made it that way. she was the best friend i always wanted. and she's the best friend i still want.

but she's been some other things, too. she's done things that still hurt me to think about. hurt like eviscerating, deeply bothering me when they shouldn't. i spent a long time practically begging her to earn my respect back and it was a gigantic mess. i get so offended by it just thinking about it, because of they way any instance ended. she got bored or sick of it, she left the area. never because it hurt my feelings. it never stopped because it hurt my feelings.

in the times within the past two years that i have been the farthest down, it has been because of these matters. and she's said the same thing, but i never would have moved away from her to begin with or alienate any feelings from her if she'd never begun to so blatantly not care about me. and sometimes it just makes me feel like shit. i hate it when people say i linger, as if they've never had to take time to consider their feelings about a serious matter. and it is a serious matter because i love her and care about her.

but things hurt. they're allowed to hurt. i put them on hold, like they could only hurt once the problem was solved. i just feel insulted. you can't do things like that to me.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)