i'm a kickstand in your mouth

1:21 a.m. x 2007-06-17

i've got so much on my mind. i've got so much on my mind. i've not slept right in so many days.

some of it is tripe. concerns about personal ability and career and school and things of that nature. worries that serve to distract from other worries, pretty much.

some of it is concern for the concern itself. the inability to put it across correctly, feeling that it'd take pages to convey the respect i feel for the delicate nature of IT. IT which everything is spoken around. and i put IT in that position myself. i guess? and a lot of people wouldn't say that. but it's much easier for me to deal with something when i think i'm the cause. i can only control it then.

lately, more and more, i feel a significant twinge of injustice. and, as a sidenote, a sore on my gum. way at the bottom in the front where i can't do much about it. gyah! but i was saying...two of my closest of personal relationships need an ironing out. and i want to do this and i don't want to make a show of it. because these aren't deathly wrinkles. they're barely noticable now. i want to flourish and benefit.

i do not want to feel threatened. for too entirely long, longer than is polite to any person, i have treated this like a threatening situation. the specific threat changed, the thing threatened changed. quite a bit happened at once. and at once, which in the long run is going to be good for my sense of self...good for my self-esteem...i got a good, drilling sense, a vigorous understanding of what it means to put stock in what others say about you.

because prior to it all...i was not getting much feedback from this demographic group...no positive feedback at all. and i was so overwhelmed and so taken at first. by anything. i'm steadier now. this sore in my mouth really hurts.

and i caught myself in a situation. and the only thing significant to me about this situation is how i felt...and the feelings i was having and the understanding i was building. valuable understanding that has made me happier. but i also said some things that were unwise, to salve some hurt. i'm embittered and disgusted with some things. there are some things i want to work out.

i also want to grow something very special between you and i. recently i feel that i've made a misstep and the part of me that's served me the most benefit in all the time i've known you - my trust in you - has...not slipped, but a sore point's resurfaced. and vice-versa, as it'd seem. when i assess the reasons why i love you, and why i gravitate to you and have so much to say to you, a reason i pluck out quite fast is that we both put a lot of effort into people and have a lot of belief in people. we don't quit others easily. for good and bad reasons. and between the two of us there's a lot of evidence towards the fact that it can be a bad trait. but in you, i empathize with it, and i understand when you do some things. not everything...things that were blatantly disrespectful of me...but that was the past. that IS in the PAST.

and now i don't want to give trivial bullshit the sense of satisfaction. i don't want to care about stupid things anymore. i know what i'm saying but i know i'm not saying it well. and it's so easy to misread and apply "stupid" to a person, and not to a situation. but i'm talking about dynamics and suspicions. i'm talking about insecurities and egos. two very, very different takes on the same person's feelings. the person being me.

i'm not really angsty. just trying to work it out. i maintain the belief that we can all arrive on the same page, as relentlessly delusional as that is.

it's not pressing...i'm not angry...don't judge it that way if you read it...it's late. oh god i'm not angry...not a cent...not a millimeter...i hate it when people think i'm angry when i'm not. i'm angry about a lot of things. but this, no. i'm just thoughtful. i put a lot of thought and care into this. everything i have.

and now i'm going back to bed. gah!

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11