...and the ambulance died in his arms

4:09 p.m. x 2007-07-08

i am feeling better, but for the past little while i've been very depressed, and i understand now why that is. typically it takes me a little to a long while to understand why i'm depressed or angry, because i'm pretty divorced from it, and i rebel against my emotions most of the time. i'm very resistant to overwhelming feeling, or i skew things or misdirect them. if i'm afraid that's not a "safe" direction to point my emotions in, i'll fire them another way. or just remain totally ignorant as to why i'm upset in the first place, which, you can't deal with what you're unaware of.

i really want people to like me. that, i'm aware of. it's a pretty high priority that the people that i like who really matter to me like me back. i hadn't actually examined how it makes me feel when one of them is disapproving of something about me. like the way that i dress, the other people i'm friends with, the things that i like to do, and very small but fundamental aspects of my personality. i hadn't ever really examined it, and it's hit me very hard. i feel like all of my relationships are very conditional and it's made me very upset. coupled with some standard self-esteem dropping...which i think is normal. it's something that rises and falls like the tide, i think. so i'm sure it'll rise again.

i have to have a word with one person about the way they treat me. he...uh...happens to have pretty different interests and pursuits, and i happen to admire him for that...but he makes me feel bad about mine sometimes. i don't think that he means to but i need to make him aware that he does that. i feel very replaced in another relationship...which...i have no sense of competition...it's in my head, and i know it's in my head, but in my head if you compare me to anyone (even if the comparison is imagined), i get very offended. this would be evidence of the superiority complex. thing with my parents suck. i've written them both off as insane. my mom can't do anything because she's so preoccupied. she forgets appointments and misses lights because she's so wrapped up in her own whateveritis. nothing either one says can be taken seriously.

i'm rather mad i did all the work figuring out ways of getting into new york and i felt like i was blamed for there not being a way to do it so that it works out the way everyone wants it to. some reactions to that news were poorly handled. there are no ferries after midnight.

i think i am too utilitarian for my own good, and i should remember other people are not like that. i can deal with being inconvinienced and things coming up and obstacles arising. i have a bad time handling it when people respond poorly to setbacks. i actually got frightened when someone said recently that something was "ruined" by something getting in the way...as i believe myself to be so superior, i feel my only real competition is natural disaster and unfortunate coincidence.

if i percieved less to be so threatening, i would be a much more easygoing person. if you knew how i felt about most things, you'd be very bothered by me, i think. i'm very paranoid. that, a critical manner and a superiority complex can utterly fucking suck. but i'm not a very bad person, i think. i keep most of that in. which is why i feel so gross, of course.

< /psychoanalysis>

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11