and i, antonius block, am playing chess with death

10:08 p.m. x 2007-08-05

UUUGH I FEEL LIKE CRAAAP.

i was out at ernie's last night, not even terribly long or late at all, but when i got home i was all restless and angry about things i hadn't accomplished that i couldn't get to sleep. i also had a margarita, and while it did far less to me than it did to mackenzie and jimmy, i think it still contributed - it and the espresso from this morning - to my ridiculous energy flux. i managed to stay pretty up & up at work, then i ran to bed bath & friggin beyond and target with my mom to get just about the LAST of the dorm shit. then i was fucking out. i managed to wobble to kara's and sob laughing at the banter between she, her brother and i. and brad neely. always brad neely.

i resorted my incredibly stupid stack of books i wish i could bring with me to college. i've got a decent under-the-bed-tub full now. i sorted through and divided my hulking library into books i've not yet read, books that comfort me and must read every few months, books that'll in all likelihood help me out with research, books that are largely for fun (like the vice guide, absolutely that is coming with me), and...alas...books that will impress the right people. there are only, like, two of those - the stranger and something else...but, the stranger is very slim. no reason not to squash that into the tub.

i MUST READ the dostoevsky i haven't read yet (adolescent, demons, idiot - i'm within pages of finishing crime & punishment, then in the distant future [after i've tackled the beasts aformentioned] notes from the underground will get a renewed once-over and i'll dedicate another endless span of delicious time to the brothers karamazov, which i feel is the baddest of asses). i must read proust. i've got the first three and i found the very homosexual and aptly bright purple fourth volume. i'll snatch that up. i'm a completist. i'll overcome my apocalypse-anxieties and really read 1984, brave new world and farenheit 451 like i never really have...because i really am afraid of things like that happening, or reflecting upon their interpretations of present society...but i'll get over that shit. read the nabokov i haven't yet read, especially speak, memory. READ THE REST OF BURROUGHS JESUS I'VE HAD JUNKY AND QUEER SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME. read that shit! read it all ready!

i would like my ass to do that instead of staying up til seven thirty in the morning rereading ada or ardor again. and again. because i am in love with van. vain van veen. agh!

oh, the rest of salinger too. roof beams and shit. nine stories. i never hit them after catcher adopted so many perverse jokes between clare and i about the lead singers of AFI and my chemical romance (he's still old pheobe to me, and always will be). i prefered to let that stand alone, but now their time has come.

i also made sure to make room for referense books. i'm thinking i may take my psych textbooks along with me. i've got a 101er, a social psych book, an abnormal psych book, and a human sexuality book. a fair amount of good shit. i've got the man who mistook his wife for a hat and the essential freud and jung, books on the brain, autism, paranoia, DID, eating disorders and ALL manner of fuck-up-ed-ness. i think they'd serve me well, if they don't conflict with the space i need to store the collected works of dennis cooper.

i need dennis around. AND I STILL DON'T HAVE GOD JR. GOD DAAAAAAAMN IT!!! but i've got the sluts, and i think it's his best. i need him around, absolutely, to remind myself of what can be done.

i'm going to stick all my dvds in a crotchety old cd carrying case to, again, conserve space, thus creating more room for the odd vhs i can't freaking part with ("star time", "the reflecting skin"...i say this now but i'm sort of nervous about watching certain things with someone else in the room, especially if i'll be having my headset on and she'll just see the freaky shit on the screen and tap my shoulder and bug the fffuck out).

i DO need a headset. if she's going to wear one to spare me the sound of the dreaded videogames, i'll return the favor and wear one to spare her the sound of the dreaded svenks filmindustri. it'd be cool if i turned her on to a film or two. it's a nice idea. mostly i just don't want to really freak her out and make her fear my time with the television. like, i tried to watch "pulp fiction" with my sister the other day and that crashed and burned hideously. my sister couldn't watch john travolta's heroin injection, which is so overwhelmingly mild compared to the subsequent uma thurman overdose that i forgot it was there. my sister, strange though she may be, wouldn't immediately strike you as someone so sensitive to images like that, but how wrong you obviously are. so i don't know what to expect with miss impending roommate. she doesn't even have any movie interests listed on her facebook.

if she's a criminal justice major, then i'd assume she can at least stomach "silence of the lambs". I ABSOLUTELY ABSOLUTELY NEED "THE MILKY WAY". it comes this month. see also dire need for "the discrete charm" and "obscure object". soon i'll have the $$$. soon there will be some bunuel up in here. when my laptop arrives, criterion.com will quite likely be my default homepage.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11