You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

my stomach has been hurting all day. work wasn't very bad. tomorrow's my very last day. last night was really fucking bad and i'm still pissed and upset about it. things got rotten. now i'm feeling physically ill.

i did write several pages in my fanfiction, though. hahaha. ah shit. it's really relaxing to not have to labor to create a pathology...it's just laboring to understand it and portray it in an interesting way. it's a load off. i never enjoyed reading fanfiction. that is not to say it's all bad, just that i've perhaps had a knack for finding the bad ones. this is a refreshing exercise, though. first a psychological one and second a literary one. first you have to understand who the people are, what their motivations are and why they do/say things, then you go and you match it with language appropriate to the character, and make it literary and evocative...OH AND BY THE WAY. i am a huge advocate for tension. palpable, expertly expressed, maddening tension between characters. it leaves a lot more room for the imagination to undulate than right-out slash does. slash has its place, of course, especially where "star trek" is concerned. but i'd rather write something that makes the mind writhe with terrible ideas, rather than something that makes my own mind ashamed and confused that i thought of it in the first place.

i obviously have some angst in this department. i think this speaks volumes about me. ughhh. amanda's unhappy at school. at the moment, that is. i'm sure she'll get a good turn-around once she starts getting occupied, but they roomed wee freshman amanda with an apathetic, largely-absent senior. i don't think that was terribly wise of them to do. i think she'll bust through it and enjoy herself soon, though. it's always a matter of time with her. she's the picture of resiliance and fabulous, caffeine-fueled neuroses the likes of which would intimidate woody allen. i've seen it in action (well...).

i feel like i'm gonna throw up. jesus.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)