there's a sense of longing in me as i read rosemary's letter

9:40 p.m. x 2007-09-04

last night was not cool. last night was very bad. i'm upset with myself, but i know that this is borne out of how hard i am on myself.

i hurt myself for the first time in a long time. the last time i remember doing it (i don't think that i've done it since) was sometime last march. i was in guitar center and everybody had their backs to me. that was the last of it, as i remember. i don't do it often, i don't have any trouble stopping myself. before the bad times late 2005 to early 2006, i'd had some bad episodes my junior year of high school. those were the only times. i just don't like the idea of somebody stumbling across "i hurt myself" and having them think i have a self-injury problem. i don't compulsively harm myself. the thought just never goes away. i have the obsession without the compulsion, pretty much. when i get depressed it can get distracting and disorienting because it won't leave my mind.

i was upset and scared and nervous and angry and freaked out with a host of things and had just stressed myself out too much yesterday. not to mention i've had a lot of trouble eating with the food poisoning and general unavailability of reasonably good, healthy foods around. so i've felt rotten about myself doing things like eating two leftover jalapeno poppers for dinner because i can't get anything else. UGH. so that was happening. my classes started up and i almost messed up hardcore with my first bio assignment. i didn't get any sleep. i was all ready feeling sad and lonely because i just miss being around my friends. hopping into bed, crying, and going to sleep would've done me a lot of good right there. but i had to stay up and write a paper. so that's what i did, and i got a call from jimmy and he was so obliterated he didn't even know what he was doing...and it just made my heart plunge. i felt nervous and unsafe and had a panic attack. the injury came about then out of sheer frustration with myself. why do i care about anything? it works to the same effect as a sobering slap to someone hysterical. i calmed down and bandaged it, my roommate came in and talked to me. jimmy called me back. i went to bed.

my roommate knows all about that stuff now. it's fine. i would've rather she not know (i would rather no one know - i would rather it not be an issue) but she's a great person, and she wants to listen to me whenever i talk. she's great.

i just need to sleep, i think.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11