You gave me hyacinths first a year ago. They called me the hyacinth girl.

your eyes and how adoring they are, how insistant and heavy your staring is when you focus on me. your smile and its genuineness, how purely happy you can be. how you light up completely. all the passion that you have. the awesome passion. your very beautiful heart. your caring and concern, your ability to listen and your earnestness to fix things, even if you don't understand that not everything has a "why" to it. your voice when you're excited. your gestures. your sweetness. and when you were romantic, you could be so romantic. and you are growing into that person that i know you are. and i'm so happy about that, and i'm so excited to see you going to school and being proud of yourself. i have such a love of you. i love you and you have effected me so heavily since you've known me. i once carved our initials into a beam in a building.

you were the first person i ever felt indispensable to. i was pretty certain that my old best friend wanted to be away from me for quite a long time before she went through with it...and clare always had one foot out the door...but that's normal, by and large, people aren't bonded so tight. but i needed it when i met you, and you needed it, and it was so overwhelming and so what i wanted. that's why, i'd reason, i tested it a lot. and i fretted a lot. and you did some of the things you did. testing. stretching the boundaries. i'm not going to pick apart the down side because it's predictable and uninteresting. i don't have to reason aloud to myself why it didn't work.

i wonder if you're reading, or will ever read. i know you used to and it used to mean tons to me.

jimmy, i love you so much.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)