the FUCK EVERYTHING entry

3:22 p.m. x 2007-10-20

majorly seized by rage/resentment/despair roughly an hour ago. every time i say "i miss you, i want to see you, i'm so excited to see you, you're my best friend and i love you" i feel STUPID. you make me feel STUPID for saying that shit. because you don't want to see me. i'm not a big thing for you. what you are doing doesn't make any sense. you call me one night and go "i quit and i'm going to see you tomorrow night" and the next day i hear FUCKING NOTHING FROM YOU. and then you call and act like a BASTARD and go "well i decided not to quit but i hate my job, but because i'm not quitting i have to devote all my time and energy to it and there is not even enough for me to even want to say hi to you, so no, i won't be seeing you. but i think i will call my other best friend and see if he wants to drink because i hate my job."

that's how you sound. so no shit i'm upset and i feel ignored. WHAT. THE. FUCK. YOU WERE ALL CONCERNED ABOUT REMAINING FRIENDS WITH ME AND THIS IS HOW I'LL BE TREATED?! i'm so fucking angry. at myself. my company is not a chore and i should not have to beg for a second. i should FUCKING NEVER have to say "PLEASE JUST STOP OVER FOR A SECOND I JUST WANT TO HUG YOU" FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU YOU SHOULD BE HONORED BY THAT. YOU SHOULD BE SO HAPPY I WANT TO SEE YOU. YOU SHOULD VALUE ME. YOU SHOULD MAKE TIME FOR ME WITHOUT ME HAVING TO CLAW AND BEG. THAT'S SO FUCKING STUPID. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT.

i am a fucking idiot for all this energy i've poured into you. and you don't do half that for me. i'm not worth a shred of your time and you devote your time to shit that you just fucking BITCH ABOUT ALL THE FUCKING TIME YOU NEVER STOP COMPLAINING. ALL I WANTED OUT OF MY INVOLVEMENT WAS YOU WAS TO BE A GOOD FRIEND AND FOR YOU TO BE A GOOD FRIEND TO ME. I AM NEVER GOING TO GET WHAT I WANT WITH YOU, AM I? ARE YOU GOING TO PROVE IT TO ME? ACTUALLY GO THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR WAY AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? FAT CHANCE. HONEST TO GOD. YOU JUST GIVE UP GIVE UP GIVE UP ALL THE DAMN TIME. NOTHING'S EVER WORTH IT TO YOU.

I SHOULD BE FUCKING WORTH IT TO SOMEBODY.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11