ever since you went away i'm on fire

11:36 a.m. x 2007-11-19

i have totally screwed up my personality theory paper, and it is due at 3:15. i'm on my way to go right the wrongs.

i'm going home tomorrow for the first time since jimmy refused to see me the one weekend. i won't see him this time either. for the time being, we are not associating with one another. we haven't blocked each other or said goodbye forever or anything like that, but until further notice we are not inclined to speak to one another, and certainly not to see each other. which is a shame, but that's how it is and it's for the best.

the last time he treated me like this, i slowed things down and got in his face and worked things out at the expense of my dignity. i don't care this time, i don't deserve to be treated like that. i'm repulsed with his attitude towards me, which, i have put myself in the position to be treated that way, but that's unfair to myself and i had to fix it. i won't be treated like that. like less than what i am, which is amazing. i was always an amazing friend to him and wanted only for us to be close, to make him happy, be honest with him. i didn't do that stuff to be avoided, to have mind games played, to be lied to about petty bullshit and not have my feelings taken seriously.

he has screwed himself out of his best friendship and when i proposed he do something about it and arrange to talk to me and do something nice for me, he deemed that too much work.

if one of my friends was upset with me for being an asshole, there would be no such thing as "too much work". if clare or amber were angry at me for christ's sake MARK MY WORDS MOTHERFUCKER i would get the funds to go to santa fe or olympia. my friendships are the most important things to me. and as long as i have known jimmy there was never anything that was too much work. i did everything i could for him whether or not he asked. i explicitly stated and he declined. i gave him chance after chance to be worth it.

he is not worth it. he can fucking bitch me out all he fucking wants to about saying that and say "how can you say that?!?!!" but he is the one who made himself that. i am the one who wanted him to be worth it, treated him like he was worth it. he was the one who was not. he proved that he was not. was completely disinterested in being worth it. everything he bitches about is his own fucking fault.

i have a paper to write, shit.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)

anybody can be just like me, obviously.
not too many can be like you, fortunately.
KL 02-11