8:34 p.m. x 2007-12-02

i'm sick to my stomach. i'm shaking this off. this is a good step, but it's the worst in terms of quality...it is having accepted everything and in spite of it still is the sick, sad feelings. now there's just feelings and they just have to run their course. really this should be a snap, but it's like ripping a bandaid kind of a snap. it'll sear pretty bad. but then it'll be over.

J_M_Y. i hadn't even thought of that, melody did. the curse!: no matter what letters you put between them (and I and an M, or an E, R & E) you wind up with the same thing. that's harsh both ways, really. but akasha did kindly point out the differences while i, in my grim little head, noted similarities. sick sick sick. i am so sick. my stomach hurts so bad.

it's not a matter of "why" now, you know what happened. well, in one way you do. if you're reading. you know the motions and the circumstances and the good and the bad. you do not know how my nerves are all twisted and my blood is boiling and my brain is knocking against the side of my skull. "everything i say sounds so stupid" he said and i could feel my head exploding from the sheer inanity of the situation.

trite, inane, trivial, dumb. sick sick sick. "but you had no way of knowing" NO I DIDN'T. and now i don't want to hear excuse upon excuse. that's not what i'm interested in! sorry life's dealt you some rough fucking hands! i'm not a person you have known before.

but oh oh oh oh oh ohhhhhh.......................

you are a person i have known before.

if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
JOBJOBJOB
interviewinterviewinterview
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start
(& etc)