11:32 p.m. x 2008-03-05
STILL AT WORK! currently a page deep in a projected five page historiography on dante's commedia
. never having done a historiography, and until about five minutes ago did not have much of an idea what one was...i'm extremely grateful tomorrow's just a peer review. my pal brittany will be the only one seeing this, as well as potentially another boy in class who has a real handle on this stuff. i trustish them. they're a histor minor and major, respectively. i think he's done one of these before.
i'm really tired. like, sicktired. amber w rang me this afternoon and was shocked at the sound of my voice, which wasn't haggared or creepy like it is when i answer the phone in the morning, but surreally unlike my voice tends to sound. which i thought was cool. i'm not awake enough to be unsettled by it. after i'm done with this paper i'll be editing another one i've all ready written to see if i could MAKE IT SUCK ANY WORSE THAN IT DOES! i have lost my faith in writing for film class i just don't know what that man wants from me. i am staring down a C average for this entire year. i know it. that's not so bad but i could've done better.
BUT THIS IS HOW ONE LEARNS.
tomorrow regardless i'm napping the fuck out of my afternoon, dying my hair good old reliable clairol hydruence burgundy, putting up some photos of russian and lithuanian architecture i clipped out of B&W magazine, and DOING MY OWN WRITING.
97% of my erratic weirdiness within the past several MONTHS has been due SOLELY AND ENTIRELY TO THE LACK OF TIME I HAVE TO WORK ON MY OWN FICTION. i need that time to myself. i always feel it when i don't have it. i always start losing it. it is inevitable that i will have to seat myself away from what goes on, it's compulsive, i compulsively wander, my mind wanders and ideas and images demand my attention, i have to work through them and they aren't awesome or anything, they aren't fully-formed amazing visions, but they're mine.
i think it's my brain's way of making up for the three-quarters of a lifetime of REM sleep i've denied it by being an insomniac.
anyway, when i don't get time to write on my own, the quality of my school work plummets. always. because i can't keep my drifting attention geared to it. i want to go write in my short story, but this is due tomorrow. i have no time but right fucking now to do this. and tonight i have to sleep or i'm going to snap.
if anybody should ask i'm going to a seminar
pieces of the moon
sensitive heart, you're doomed from the start